It would be very easy for me to look at you, with my hands on my hips and say, "Just who do you think you are?" I will not do that, however. I get the feeling that you get that sort of reaction a lot, and all that really does, is pour more fuel onto the fire. No, what I want to do, is sit down with you, give you a hug, and have an honest conversation.

To be brutally honest with you, it is said that people like you are generally not happy. Something is going with you, in order for you to feel that you have to be mean to others. Something is going on at home, or in your personal life where there is a lot of inner turmoil. You don't have the positive skills needed in order to resolve conflicts appropriately. You are angry, or depressed, and rather than to admit those things about yourself, you turn the turmoil onto other people. You are avoiding your own problems, and that makes you feel better about yourself. If others are focused on the victim of your bullying, then they are certainly not focused on you. That is extremely sad.

Do you have any idea what you are doing, and the consequences of your actions? You don't see what happens to the girl or boy you just teased or made fun of once they go home. You don't see that they cry themselves to sleep and beg their parents to let them stay home from school the next day. You don't realize that the issues you are focusing on in your bullying, are issues that they deal with everyday.

For example...You just teased the girl who is overweight, and stated to someone else that she should probably eat a salad. What you don't know about her, is that she has a medical problem, and cannot lose the weight so easily. She struggles everday with this. Once you teased her, she goes home and she refuses to eat her supper, which in turn makes her very unhealthy. She's hungry, but she's terrified to put anything in her mouth because it might make her gain more weight. I bet you didn't know that.

The boy you just made fun of because he wears dirty clothes to school, just went home and begged his parents to teach him how to use the washing machine. What you may not know, is that his parents work long hours and don't always have the time to wash his clothes. Maybe his clothes aren't designer clothes. You think that's funny because your parents spend a lot of money to make you look good. What you may not know, is that his father just got laid off, and they struggle to pay the bills and provide the essentials for the family. I bet you didn't know that.

I bet you didn't know that the boy you just shoved into the locker just because he's not in your circle of friends, goes home and has to explain the bruises on his back. He lies to his parents and tells them that he got hurt in gym class playing dodge ball. He is ashamed to tell his parents that you have been abusing him, because his parents have always taught him to stand up for himself. He's scared though. Everytime you approach him, he gets knots his stomach and he practically get sick.

If those examples weren't bad enough, you then had to pick on the student who is gay. You made fun of him because he was honest about his feelings and decided that he didn't want to hide who he really is anymore. You yelled out hateful things to him because you don't understand his way of life. So? Why should his sexual preference (or anyone's sexual preference for that matter) be of any concern of yours? What you don't know, is that he did not choose to be gay, or bisexual, or transgendered. The young lady who is a lesbian didn't choose that for herself, either. Why would they choose a way of life where the community and other groups make fun of them? Why would they choose a way of life where they do not receive equal rights that the rest of us take for granted? Does that even make sense?

We live in a world where diversity is encouraged (or should be encouraged, I should say). It doesn't matter if we are black or white, asian or hispanic, gay or straight. We are PEOPLE first. It also shouldn't matter that some people have a learning disability, a neurological disorder, or have a mental disorder. We do not choose to have those things. We are people first, who happen to be a little bit different. I have depression, Mr. Bully. It's not who I am, but what I have. Does that make me any less of a person than you are? No. I happen to think I am a unique individual, and if you took the time to know me, you might just like me.

Do you know what happens to these victims of yours once you go home and laugh that you've had a good day? They sometimes end up committing suicide. Is it funny now? Is it funny that you have hurt someone so deeply, that rather than to confront you about it, they go home and kill themselves? If they don't kill themselves, they are extremely depressed. They don't want to go to school. They don't want to be involved in any extra curricular activities, and sometimes they act out at home. Their parents don't understand what is going on with them, so out of desperation to gain control back in their own household, they punish them until their behavior improves. Is that funny?

No...I bet if you were to think about it, you wouldn't find any of this funny at all. I bet if you took the time to get to know these classmates of yours, you would most likely be friends with them. The problem is, you don't think very highly of yourself, so you choose not to make those steps.

I am sorry that things are not going well for you. I'm sorry that your grades are poor, so you are making up for your embarassment by taking the focus off of yourself. I'm sorry that your parents don't listen to you, or spend enough time with you. I'm sorry that your older brother bullied you at one point, so you think it's perfectly natural to bully others.

I want to reach out to you. I want your parents and the community to reach out to you. I want to teach you the appropriate social skills that you need, and I want you to attend anger management classes. I want you to learn positive coping skills for when you are angry, and I want you to like yourself. You are actually a good kid. You just make poor choices.

It's not too late, you know. You CAN turn this all around, and you can make ammeds for what you have done. All you have to do is make that first step.

I know you can do it. I have faith in you, and I am right here to help you when you are ready.

Due to recent events in the news, I feel the need to write about something I am passionate about. This comes from a variety of sources and events that have happened during the last year.

This country does not have adequate mental health facilities. We are living in a world where people are sick and do not receive help until it’s too late. We are living in a world where people who are mentally ill are ignored and cast aside. We ignore the signs and when someone goes off the deep-end and goes on a shooting rampage, we are shocked and cannot believe that is has happened. We shake our heads, and in the aftermath of it all, we begin to think about what lead up to such an event. Then and only then, we start thinking that perhaps there were signs presented in which something could have been done. We wonder if the vague comments that were made actually meant something, or the emails that were written were signs of help. We look back and think that perhaps the parents or schools could have done something because there was actually bullying going on somewhere in this person’s life. We look back at the history of illness in the family and wonder if some sort of help could have been given. By this point we are so angry and full of disdain that it doesn’t matter if there were actually signs that a person needed help. By now, we are grateful that this person is off the street….in prison, or perhaps dead themselves.

When do we step up and take action? When do we become proactive rather than reactive? This is why I started the Anti-Bullying page…. So we can become more aware of instances that may arise and perhaps actually we can do something about it. Once a person has gone on a shooting rampage or has done something drastic as murdering another individual in cold blood, it is too late to do anything.

Living with depression myself, I can feel empathy for people who are mentally ill and who need the help. Don’t get me wrong. I completely agree that an individual who goes so far as to kill another human being does not deserve that empathy. They deserve to rot in jail and although I do not like having to pay for the expense of prison time, that is exactly where they belong.

However, I am not talking about the aftermath of such tragedies. I am talking about what should we be doing before that actually takes place? When will we finally see the signs that an individual needs help. We live in a world where we do not want to get involved. Someone else will make that phone call to the hospital or to the police. Someone else will take a stand and defend an individual who is being bullied and will take action. Someone else will take a stand and get someone into counseling. We don’t want people mad at us. We don’t want to take the responsibility of making that stand because it’s not the norm. We don’t want to be that person that everyone looks at and thinks we are making waves for no reason.

There IS a reason. We are living in a world where things are getting closer to home. Suicides are taking place in our schools, murders are taking place in our hometown, and one of these days, I predict that if things keep going in the same way that they are, then we will have another Columbine issue. It’s happening everywhere, and we just sit back and wonder what happened.

Iowa Falls (the small town in Iowa that I live in) no longer has a mental health facility. People who are needing help, have to go out of town, and it’s understandable that they do not want to do that, because it’s far from home and family. In order to even be admitted into a locked unit, a person has to be suicidal and have a plan. What about those people (such as myself, who in all accounts is an intelligent and happy person) who needs the help and counseling, who is not suicidal (yet) and who gets turned away from locked units because the need is not great enough? Would a person have to go out and actually TRY to commit suicide and ACT as if they are homicidal to receive any help? That’s what it is getting to.

So I challenge you, my dear friends. Stop ignoring individuals who show signs of needing help. Stop ignoring the comments in which people say they want to check out. In some cases, it is merely an act of needing attention, but not in all cases. Talk to your children about bullying. Communicate about guns and how people who are good people end up dying from a tragic accident. Stand up to the bullies at school and mostly, be a positive role model for the ones around you. Our children are sponges. They take in everything we say and everything we do. Teach them what is right and wrong by your own actions and your words. Do not teach them about hate. Teach them about empathy, friendship, and standing up for what they believe in. Teach them about being productive citizens in our society and do not ignore them when they show signs of anger and hostility. Do not shrug it off saying that they are just acting like a boy, or are having one bad day. Talk to them. Share with them. Love them. Our children are our future. It is up to us to shape them the way they should be.

Perspective is defined as a subjective evaluation of relative significance; point of view. Here are 3 individual perspectives over one child’s behavior; The teacher, the parent, and the child in question. These are not actual people, nor are the scenarios real. They are simulations of what one could see of a child who has a specific disability.

The Teacher:

I am in the middle of explaining what the homework assignment is, when once again Johnny gets up to get a drink of water. On is way to the sink, he slaps another student on the head and whispers something to the girl who just laughed. Johnny thinks it’s funny, but I do not. I have asked him to sit down 4 times in the last 30 minutes while I was explaining the instructions and all that is happening, is that I am interrupted, and I have to start over. I have sent Johnny to the office mostly every day this week, because he is a complete distraction. He doesn’t listen, he’s often rude when I confront him, and he seems to like the attention he’s getting. Johnny also often doesn’t understand the assignment, or he forgets to do it at home and doesn’t bring it back to school. He gets frustrated when I ask him to listen, and he tells me that he is listening and to stop nagging at him. I have 20 other students in my classroom who want to learn, and this kid has no concept of that. I really don’t know what to do anymore!! Oh good Lord, he’s being distracted by the squirrel outside and has now gotten everyone else to look out the window. Looks like I’m going to have to send him to the principal’s office again! Honestly, I think he needs to be somewhere else.

Johnny:

Why is she constantly yelling at me, and why does she do it in front of everyone?? Damn, that is embarrassing! So instead of acting all mad and stuff, I make others laugh to get their eyes off of the darned teacher who is calling me out once again. All I wanted to do was get a drink of water! What’s wrong with that? What? No, I didn’t hear what the assignment was. No, I don’t know why. I was thinking about…hey, look at that squirrel outside!!! What? Ok, ok, I’m listening!! I’m not fidgeting around in my seat, I just can’t sit here while she is yelling at me!! What is wrong with me? Nothing, what is wrong with you? Oops. That was a mistake. I’m being sent to the principal’s office again. Haven’t I been there enough? Why won’t she listen to me?? I’m going to be in trouble when I get home. Screw it. The teacher is already mad at me. I think I’ll flip her off on my way out the door. At least it will get a laugh from my friends.

The Parents:

Johnny came home all moody and went to his room without saying anything to me. When I asked him what was wrong, he either ignored me, or he yelled at me to leave him alone and slammed the door on me. My first instinct is to open up that door and tell him he will NOT treat me in such a manner, but there was something in his eyes that made me stop. What happened in school? Did he get into trouble? He’s been gone all day, so why is he mad at me? I’ll give him some breathing room. That’s usually what he needs when he’s had a bad day. He will tell me when he’s ready. Two hours later, and he comes to me with swollen eyes. He’s been crying and now he wants to talk. He feels that the teacher doesn’t like him, and that she is always yelling at him. He doesn’t understand the assignment and he feels stupid because he has to ask for help. He seems depressed and anxious, and he can’t sit still. I’ve noticed that his attention span is very limited, and his grades this year aren’t very good. He’s also been very impulsive and does things without thinking about them. He always feels bad afterward and says “I know” when we correct this behavior, but he’s still doing it. I think I know what the problem is, but I don’t want him to be on any medication. I don’t want him to be all lethargic and slow and not be my son anymore. I‘ve had meetings at school already and that doesn‘t seem to be enough. I am going to call Johnny‘s doctor and have an evaluation done on him. It’s time we do something to help him.

End of Scenario.

Sound familiar? Johnny has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADHD. According to the 1994, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Ed. IV, (DSM-IV) ADHD is a Disruptive Behavior Disorder characterized by the presence of a set of chronic and impairing behavior patterns that display abnormal levels of inattention, hyperactivity, or their combination. Current estimates show that the prevalence of school aged children having ADHD, is 3-5%, and boys seem to be more affected than girls.

Getting Johnny tested thoroughly is extremely important, because ADHD has been often misdiagnosed as other disorders, such as depression, anxiety and learning disabilities. Once the doctors have evaluated and tested Johnny, getting him help is now much easier. Johnny’s parents and his educators must now formulate a plan or IEP (Individualized Education Plan) that will help Johnny feel more successful in school. Educators must follow this plan and help Johnny make positive decisions and help him be an active participant in his education. There are many treatment options that are available now, other than medication. It is widely known that in the beginning of this diagnosis, children were overmedicated and their behaviors were seen as the exact opposite of what they were experiencing before taking medication. They were lethargic and tired, and just didn’t have the energy to do anything. Parents were seeing this and therefore refused to seek treatment, because they did not want their children to be overmedicated. There are a now a variety of treatments that are available for children who have ADHD, other than medication. Some of these treatments include but are not limited to; Behavior modifications, diet, exercise, getting enough sleep, counseling, cognitive therapy, social skills therapy and more (Resources are provided below).

Johnny has a long road ahead of him, as do his teachers and parents but together, they can do it. Now they know that Johnny’s behaviors are not done purposely. He is not meaning to be a distraction and he does not mean to be so impulsive and hyper. He does want to learn and he does want to be a success in school and in his community, and now he has the opportunity to do so. It is the educators job, the parents job, and Johnny’s job to ensure that his education is implemented and that he can feel successful. Johnny is no longer a child who has a disciplinarian problem. He is a child who happens to have a brain disorder, but is capable of learning with help and patience from those around him.


Resources for children with ADHD:

http://www.adhdnews.com/adhd-symptoms.htm

http://www.addvance.com/help/parents/child.html

http://smartkidssmartparents.com/adhd/

http://www.ncpamd.com/adhd_and_school.htm

http://www.napcse.org/exceptionalchildren/adhd/adhd-definition.php

https://www.msu.edu/course/cep/888/ADHD%20files/DSM-IV.htm


Resources for Adults with ADHD:

http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-adults

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/adhd_in_adults/article_em.htm

http://www.addresources.org/adhd_articles_adults.php

http://www.ldonline.org/adhdbasics/adults

Yesterday (April 1st) was my birthday and I turned 41. It was far less dramatic than it was last year. Turning the big 4-0 is a scary thing! It was a good day however, and my family celebrated with me without my turning into a crying mess. My birthday is somewhat unique, in that I was born on April Fool’s Day, and I was also adopted. Kind of ironic, isn’t it?

I was adopted at the age of five, but was given to foster care as an infant. My biological mother was unmarried, and was 26 years old at the time of my birth. I know nothing else about her, and I know absolutely nothing of my biological father. I found out later (through many questions I’ve had from my foster parents and the adoption agency that took care of my case), that she didn’t sign her parental rights immediately following my birth, which is why I was placed in foster care. I believe she wanted to somehow figure out a way to take care of me, because she would occasionally go to the orphanage to check up on me, but would never say anything to me. She wouldn’t even know which child was hers when she came for a visit. She would have to ask the caseworkers which one was me, and apparently she would stand there watching me, but never made an attempt to go any further than that. Once she finally gave up her parental rights, I was adopted in Ohio and my life as I know it, started at that very moment (That is another story that should be written, but it is not the main topic of this post).

I have no animosity toward my biological mother whatsoever. In fact, if anything, I respect her greatly. She gave me a gift….a gift of life. At a time when being pregnant out of wedlock was looked upon as extremely unheard of, she did the best thing she could for herself and for me. I’m sure it was a devastating experience for her, as giving up a baby would be for anyone. The only thing that I regret the most, is that I do not have any medical history of either one of my parents. I would like to know if she has a history of depression (It would make things a lot more clear for me if I had that information). I would like to know if I should be aware of cancer or any other disease that could be passed down from one family member to the next.

On days such as my birthday or special holidays, I often wonder if she thinks of me. Does she have those nostalgic moments where she wonders what I have become? Does she ever wonder if she is a grandmother? Does she ever wonder if the parents who adopted me were good people? Has she ever considered trying to find me? All of these things are questions that will never be answered. Although I was adopted into a good family, there is a certain hole in my life which cannot be filled, and sometimes I feel as if I do not know who I am.

But I digress…

April Fool’s Day has been a tradition since the 1500’s and is marked by doing practical jokes and hoaxes on people to embarrass the gullible. As a child (before anyone knew that I was adopted), my friends would find out that my birthday was on April 1st, and immediately go into a tirade of jokes they thought were hilarious. “Ha ha! You were born on April Fool’s Day? Seriously?? You were a joke!! Your momma didn’t really want you!!” Now you might think this is a cruel thing to say to a youngster, but I knew how to play the game back. I would look very seriously at them and with the knowledge that the joke would be played on them, I would reply very sadly, “Well you are right. My momma didn’t really want me, because I am adopted.” Drop dead silence. I laugh, because being adopted is not something which is difficult for me to discuss. I laugh because it is not something I am ashamed of. Many of these friends felt horrible for trying to make me the butt of their jokes, but I sat them down and explained the situation to them so they could understand it. To be well informed, is to have power and knowledge. They could understand the truth, because it came from a very reliable source.

Kids can be cruel, however, and there were others who were not as understanding as the ones who were asking questions. I think it’s easy to be cruel or hurtful when you do not understand something, and as kids we don’t understand that words really do hurt. It’s not until we are older, that we realize that the old saying of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is totally false. Words do hurt, and sometimes they stick with you forever.

To the ones who tried to break me down, I was still smarter than they were and was still not ashamed. You see, I was adopted which meant that I was chosen. How many of those kids could actually say that? Their parents had to accept what they were given. My parents chose me to become part of their family and no matter how hard those kids tried, they could not compete with that fact.

I was born on April Fool’s Day and I was adopted. I wasn’t a joke…I was chosen. And THAT my friends, is the best gift of all.

Written to my deceased father on Christmas Day, on Facebook

Dear Dad,

I'm writing this letter to you, because I always feel better when I either write things down, or when I used to pick up the phone to talk to you. I can't physically talk to you anymore, but I know you feel my emotions, and I'd like to tell you about what's been going on with me this year.

It's nearly 2010...you've been gone now for 4 years in January. I can't believe you've been away from us for that long! It seems like yesterday when I would pick up the phone to ask your advice about something!!! In the past 4 years, so much has happened!

Ali has grown into a very mature 8 year old. You would be proud of her. She's in the 3rd grade, and is extremely smart. She's been reading chapter books since she was in the 1st grade, and she is just like me....she reads ALL of the time. She's smart, and she retains information, and the things that come out of her mouth just amazes me. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she's also like me, in that she will cry at the drop of a hat if her feelings have been hurt. Fairness is important to her, and if someone is mad at her (doesn't matter who it is), she strives to make it better. She's an awesome big sister to her brother (most of the time) and she loves to help me around the house. She's a bit clingy at times but I know you would love that! She would sit on your lap and stay there all day if you let her!! I can't do that though, because she has such a boney butt!!! LOL.

Dylan just turned 5 in October, and is extremely shy. Much more so than Ali ever was at his age. He picks at his fingers when he's uncomfortable, and he will refuse to talk, until he gets to know you. I know that you would have been able to get him out of his shell though, because you could be so funny and so understanding at times. Once you get him started though, he never shuts up!!! *chuckles* He loves his sister very much, and if she tries to gain her independence from him, it breaks his little heart. He also has a temper, and we've learned to leave him alone until he can calm down and is ready to talk. You remember that with me, don't you? You used to get so mad at me, because I would clam up and not say anything, and you always thought I was purposely being defiant. Well, I wasn't...it was just that I had a hard time expressing my emotions to you in an appropriate way, so I just didn't say anything until I could be calm enough to do so. Dylan is exactly the same way!! I can see now why you thought I was being disrespecful though...especially when you would ask a question, and I would just stand there and not say a word. We see that in Dylan, so we just leave him alone until he's ready to talk, or he will totally shut down if we push him. He's a sweetheart though...I call him my cuddle bug, and he loves that.

Danny and I are doing great. I finally found the man I deserve, Dad. I know you liked him before you left us, but you would be proud of him now. He has turned into one hell of a father, and he's an excellent husband. I couldn't be happier with him. You've been there with me with so many of the heartbreaks, but I can promise you, that your son-in-law will never hurt your baby girl. NEVER.

I'm doing well. I found a good job and I will be turning in my Graduate Application by February, so I can get my Master's in Social Work. I am so ready to further my education!!! Education was so important to you and Mom, and I just sort of squandered that away when I was at Tech. I guess I wasn't ready to be on my own. I may be chronilogically 40 years old, but my heart and head feels so much younger than that. Maybe because I had a lot of issues growing up, and I didn't allow myself to become the adult I know I could be.

You pushed me...you angered me...you made me cry. But I know you did all of those things because you loved me, and you just wanted the best for me. You saw my potential, and you knew I could do better for myself. You were right. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want out of life, but I know it now. I also am a good parent, because of you. You taught me how to love unconditionally, and to let my children know that I may not like their behaviors and actions, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. That's a hard thing to hear, and as a kid you don't hear "I love you"...you hear, "I can't believe you did that again!" As a parent, I understand how tough it was for you to discipline me, or ground me or whatever you needed to do. You want your kids to grow and learn from their mistakes, but you also need to guide them and show them the right path. You ALWAYS showed me the right path. I just sort of wandered around it at times, and I know that hurt you.

I am a good mother, wife, and I hope I'm a good friend. I strive to be those things. I remember the lessons you taught me, and the words you spoke to me, and there are moments when I think I hear your voice. You have no idea how much I miss you...and how I hunger to hear your words of wisdom when I'm not feeling good about myself. But I can't be selfish. I know you are in a better place with no pain and no confusion.

You fought so hard in your last months! If I didn't say it enough, you need to know how proud I am of you and your fight, and I believe you to be my biggest hero. You never complained about your own situation. You complained about me not doing what I needed to do, or at the nurses who pissed you off, or the fact that mom wasn't home EXACTLY when you thought she should be, but you NEVER complained about being sick. I try to think about that, when I have a bad day and I'm complaining about the stupid stuff that bothers me. I have to think about how you were living with a disease that took everything away from you, and how you fought to stay walking, and stay away from being sent to a nursing home. How you fought to stay with mom, a woman whom you loved for 51 years...and it definitely showed. Your marriage is something that I admire and respect. You endured tragedies together, and you shared triumphs. That is an amazing thing.

I love you so much. I miss you, but I know you are ok. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

Merry Christmas, Dad. May the Peace of the Lord always be with you.


Love Always,

Amy