Depression. We all know what it is and how to find the resources for help. I’m not going to provide links and information about something which is very accessible on the internet. The websites talk about prevalence and contributing factors and sometimes what causes depression. What the websites don’t necessarily tell you, is how a person with depression feels.
This is my story. It’s about having clinical depression and how it makes me feel. It’s about being honest with myself about this disease and how I’ve struggled for most of my life. This is an honest and truthful tale and full of emotion. It is a daily struggle, one of which started at a very young age, but wasn’t recognized until much later. The time span that is being discussed, is before I was aware I had depression, through my recovery now.
*** DISCLAIMER: Please be aware that the emotions here are gut wrenchingly honest and truthful from my own perspective. Others who have depression may not experience what I have been through, so I want people reading this to understand that this is my story, and my story only. Also...this was written 3 years ago, and although the emotions and facts are still accurate, I am no longer suffering from depressive episodes. I am happy, healthy, and my recovery process has been wonderful. ***
I am happily married and I have two beautiful children. I have a Special Education Degree, a Human Services Degree with a minor in Psychology, and I am currently in Graduate School getting my Master’s in mental health counseling (Future LPC). I am a compassionate woman and I have worked in the human services field for years, helping others to achieve their potential and make better choices for themselves. I have taught anger management, coping skills and decision making skills to adolescents at risk. I have been a social worker in nursing home, and have worked on the psychiatric unit at a local hospital. I am an advocate for mental health awareness, suicide prevention, bullying, and I work hard to try and erase the stigma some people believe mental health disorders have.
I am a wife, mother, and a friend who happens to have a mental illness. It’s not who I am, but what I have. People tend to forget that an individual who has depression or any other disorder is actually a person underneath the chaos and despair. On my worst days, it feels as if the depression consumes me and takes over my entire body. I am filled with negative thoughts and pessimistic views. I am irritable, impulsive, anxious, and sometimes I am sarcastic even to those I love,. I can even become narcissistic and wonder why people don’t see me as this wonderful person and become aggravated when they want nothing to do with me. I once went as far as telling one of my very best friends to shut up because her voice was bothering me (I feel utterly horrible about that, but luckily she is a wonderful friend who is aware of my depression and is extremely supportive and understanding). Voices, loud noises, and constant talking are subjected to my frustration and although it’s no one’s fault by my own, I go into a zone where the aggravation completely takes over and sometimes I get migraines which don’t help the situation at all. I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder over a year ago. Some of the symptoms I just described go along with that.
I can hear myself when I’m angry and depressed, and I can hear the words, tone, and pitch of what I’m saying and on a subconscious level, I cringe at what I’m doing. I know that I’m wrong and I know that I’m being hurtful, but at the same time, I cannot stop. It’s like having an out of body experience where you are floating above and watching every movement and hearing every word, but are powerless to stop. It’s the worst feeling in the world, when you know that you are being unreasonable and could be hurting someone’s feelings. That is why I have learned to keep my mouth shut until I can calm down and have an adult conversation with someone. However, even that can get me into trouble because I am seen as being disrespectful and defiant and as someone who doesn’t seem to have the patience to deal with a situation tactfully.
I believe that my having depression is partly responsible for the failure of my first marriage. My emotions were everywhere, and I was not easy to live with. Once he left me, I finally realized that something was terribly wrong and I needed to do something about it. I could no longer deny that I had a problem, especially since it was affecting my relationships and my work ethic. I began therapy and was put on antidepressants. Within a few weeks, I could tell a world of difference in my attitude, and was ready for a change. I felt as if staying where I was (in Texas) after a divorce was just not conducive to my recovery, so I decided to move out of the comfort zone and started completely over in Iowa (That story is another post you can find on this blog).
Once I realized that I needed help, I struggled with having to rely on antidepressants to make me feel better. I didn’t want to rely on them and I didn’t want people to view me differently for not being able to handle my emotions on my own. Once I got past those feelings, my road to recovery could start. (** Currently, I am off of my antidepressant medication, and have been doing extremely well for over a year**)
My recovery is a continual process. There are days when I’m doing very well, and other days when I feel like I’ve taken two step backwards again and it can be very frustrating. It doesn’t last long, though. I’ve learned that if I am having a bad day, then I need to use a coping skill, such as blogging or guided imagery, or taking deep breaths. I’ve learned to communicate with my family, who are absolutely amazing in their unconditional love and I am very grateful for their ongoing support. I am learning that sometimes I need to step back from trying to help the world, and focus on myself and my own healing. I am trying not to be so impulsive and freak out when things are not going my way.
Right now, I am in the process of writing my life story on another Blog, entitled, “Living with Depression.” It is detailed from when I was a child, through my adolescence, adulthood and to the present day. This is a very therapeutic exercise for me, and although there are some people who may not agree with the specifics which I will be writing about, it is something I need to do for myself. I hope that one day, it might be good enough to turn into a book.
I hope this story (and others I have written on this blog) will help others to understand that those of us who have depression or any other mental illness, are individuals first. It’s not who we are, but what we have.
Thank you.
~Amy~
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Depression - it's what I have, NOT who I am.
Posted by Amy Hewitt Bonin at 1:47 PMLabels: anger, blogging, bullying, communication, Depression, Impulsive, Mental health, mental illness, migraines, powerless, suicide
Sunday, July 21, 2013
How to handle bullying situations - school based
Posted by Amy Hewitt Bonin at 11:06 PMIt is so hard to figure out what to do when we are being bullied, or if our children are being bullied. Here are some suggestions of what to do if this is happening.
One thing that I stress over and over is DOCUMENTATION. This is so important to remember. A lot of times, we tend to forget the little things, or we get all frustrated when trying to explain a situation to someone, that we get the details wrong. So, it’s important to document what is happening. Get a journal, and write down EVERYTHING, even if it seems to be a tiny detail. Put it in there. Document who, what, where, time, place, what was said and done, who it was reported to, how it was handled or not handled, and what you plan on doing next. If you have to go so far as to make your voice heard with the school board or the police, then you will have the documentation handy. Also…cell phones are a great thing to have around. You can video tape what is being done and said, and you have pictures to back you up. Gathering the facts is essential.
Here is the chain command that you should report to - if one doesn't respond, then move on to the next one, but do not give up.
1. Report to the teacher or bus driver
2. Report to the principal - let him/her know what is going on immediately
3. Report to the Superintendent - if principal doesn’t do anything
4. Report to the school board - if no one is doing anything
5. Take to the police 6. Take to the media (Radio, newspapers, TV reporters) - schools do NOT like to look negative in the public.
If bullying is occurring, students should try to stay in a group or walk with someone else whenever there is little to no supervision (Bathrooms, hallways, playgrounds and lunchrooms).
If bullying is occurring, then please do something - step up and intervene (in a non-threatening way), or go find a trusted adult. There is a difference between TATTLING and TELLING. Tattling involves wanting to get someone into trouble purposely. Telling involves telling someone that something is not right - that you are being hurt or abused. TELLING could save a life.
Do NOT ignore the bullying!! We want students and parents to become proactive, rather than reactive. This means to step up and take action before the bullying leads to something more serious. We (as a society) tend to react when we hear stories of students being bullied to death....when kids take their own lives because they can no longer handle the torture of going to school everyday. Being proactive will help avoid those situations because we will put a stop to it before it goes further.
TIPS FOR PARENTS
Gather the parents together who believe that this needs to stop and together, go to the school and school board. Make your voices heard! There is power in numbers.
Know your district's anti-bullying policy and refer to it when speaking to school officials. Know your state's laws as well. Be KNOWLEDGEABLE.
Become a permanent fixture in the schools. Be a room monitor or helper, have lunch with your child, observe in the classroom or hallways. The more adults that stand around with a watchful eye, the better that the bullying will stop. Ride the bus with your child if you have the time to do so.
** This is a hard one ** - Please do NOT confront the individual who is bullying your child, or the parent of the child who is being the bully. I know most people will disagree with this, but with the research I have found, and in my own bullying advocacy, I have learned that this is not appropriate because it adds to the problem. GOOD parents want to protect their children, so when your child comes home with bumps and bruises, your first reaction is to want to kick someone's butt. That's understandable. However, you might run into that parent who thinks that their kid can do no wrong, or the parent who is a bully themselves, and you end up with a massive power struggle. Now your kid, and the bully will see an argument develop between you (the parents) and they will see that it's ok to fight because well, let's face...you're doing it. Make sense?
Be the role model. Teach your child that it's not ok to fight. It's not ok to bully, harass, threaten, abuse, manipulate, scare, or anything negative toward another human being.
ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY
Most people will say that schools need a zero tolerance policy. It looks great and sounds great on paper, but this is what it really means:
Joe is getting bullied by Bob. Joe doesn't tell anyone for awhile, and tries to take care of it on his own. Bob continues to bully Joe, and Joe finally decides to tell someone. He tells the bus driver or his teacher, who NEVER documents the bullying taking place (so there is no record of it). Joe has enough, and one day when Bob is hitting him and punching him in the face, Joe decides to fight back and punches Bob in the face. As this happens, the principal or another teacher comes down the hallway, and sees Joe knock Bob down to the floor. Now both boys are fighting. Both boys are taken to the principal's office, and because there is a zero tolerance for bullying, BOTH boys are suspended.
Is that fair? Joe should never be punished for standing up for himself and fighting back, but because no one actually took him seriously and documented his complaint, he is now in trouble as well. It's not a good policy.
Other things that could be helpful…
Develop a task force in school - a group of kids and parents who want to make a difference. Make posters about bullying and sources of information to get help.
Involve the community - create a partnership with the school and community (churches, youth groups, businesses, etc).
Be aware of who your children are hanging out with, and what they are doing. Be proactive and always know what, who, when, where and why they are doing something.
Communicate with your children positively - get them counseling if needed, so they can manage their feelings. Mental health issues and bullying go hand in hand.
DON’T EVER GIVE UP
Websites to help with bullying situations:
http://www.bulliesout.com/
http://www.beatbullying.org/
http://www.stompoutbullying.org/
http://www.stopbullying.gov/
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/
Being Popular - Does it really matter?
Posted by Amy Hewitt Bonin at 1:10 PMI was inspired to write this, because an old high school friend of mine is having issues on Facebook with people she was friends with in high school.
In high school, she was popular. She was in the crowd that everyone wanted to be in, and if you weren't in that crowd, then you were pretty much a nobody. At least that's how I felt. She and I were neighbors, and outside of school, we hung out, but NEVER during school because I was not the person that the clique wanted to associate with. This was an unspoken rule between us, and neither of us fought it. We just let it slide by and after school and in the summer, we were the best of friends.
We have befriended one another here, and we have learned a lot about each other. I learned that being the popular kid wasn't as easy as it seemed. In order to be in that specific group, you had to adhere to their rules. There were certain days you could wear jeans, make-up had to be worn, the girls would call each other and make sure they were color coordinated, if you spoke to someone out of the group, you would be outcast, and you had to behave in such a way as to not embarrass the clique as a whole. I had no idea that this was going on within the group. From an observer, all you saw were these happy care-free girls and boys who were ALL good looking, into sports and everyone wanted to be like them.
She and I are friends here on Facebook, and we have gotten reacquainted. We have spoken about those rules, and the fact that she and I didn't have a relationship within the school building. She has apologized profusely, and things between us are just fine. Bygones are bygones...why hold onto something that was over 20 years ago, and was so petty?
However, she is having issues with those same people, here on Facebook. They are talking about her behind her back, and she is having issues with it. I believe (and I told her this on her public wall) that the reason this is happening, is because she is her own person now, and is not attached to any sort of order or rule. She is acting differently than she acted in high school because she is acting as HERSELF with no restrictions. They don't seem to get it...and are criticizing her for being "weird" or "goofy." - what the heck is that all about???
I swear. People can be so damned stupid. ignorant, petty and just plain selfish. High school wasn't that great, if you ask me. There is life BEYOND the walls of a school building, you know. This friend of mine is beautiful, married and has a son. She has a great life, but because she is not acting like they remembered her to act in high school, they are making fun of her? Seriously?
** Listen up. To any of you who are still in high school, remember this. Life is about the friendships you make, and the stamp you put on this world. It's not about how many friends you can make, and how popular you become. Life isn't about popularity at all. I would rather have just a few amazing friends (ones whom I could really rely on, trust and have fun with), then a million acquaintances that wouldn't give a damn if I got hit by a bus. **
There's a famous quote from the movie, "Never Been Kissed" - (One of my favorite movies) which I think pretty much sums it all up.
"Let me tell you something, I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old. I'm an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and I've been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you about this girl she is unbelievable. I was new here and she befriended me no questions asked. But you, you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. All of you people, there is a big world out there... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it won't matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."
FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, AND TRY NOT TO BE AFRAID OF IT.
Why does any of that other stuff matter???? It doesn't. Figure that out, and you will be a lot happier within yourself. Trust me.
Thanks for listening to the rant....
~Amy Hewitt Bonin~
Why I am an advocate for others
Posted by Amy Hewitt Bonin at 10:57 AMI figured it was time to tell you of my own story. A lot of people will look and wonder why I created a community page on Facebook = "Standing Up For Victims of Bullies (Child or Adult)." and why I am such an advocate for people with mental health issues. The answer is simple. I want to show others that there IS hope, and although they may be facing horrible circumstances, there are ways to help yourselves and be healthy.
I was adopted at the age of five, but my biological mother gave me up as an infant, so I moved from foster care to foster care for five years. As we all know, children are supposed to be loved and cared for, and they are supposed to feel safe. I didn't get those things, so I had severe trust issues and abandonment issues at a very young age. My adoptive parents are good people, but they were also a bit dysfunctional. My father was verbally abusive, and I would be in tears every day. He was controlling, and if I tried to stand up for myself, I would be told that I was talking back and he would ignore me for days. My mother (in my eyes, but she sees it differently) didn't say a word, and would allow for it to happen...telling me that I should just let things go, and move on from my anger. I grew up without a voice, and that carried with me for several years. Actually, I am just now learning how to use my voice, and to be heard.
I may not have been physically bullied in school, but I was socially isolated, neglected, made fun of, and very insecure. I am 44 years old, so we are talking 20 plus years ago, in the 1980's. I went to a high school in Houston, Texas where there are now 3316 students enrolled. In a school that big, you either were well known, or you were lost in the shuffle. I was one who was lost in the shuffle
Like I said earlier, I come from a good family, but my parents did not believe in buying brand name clothing, or anything that was expensive. They taught me and my sister the value of money, and how to work for something. Because of that, I did not wear what all of the other girls were wearing. I didn't wear make-up until I was 16, because I was not allowed to. I was not popular. I had no niche, and I was miserable.
Instead of playing a sport, or being in the band or choir, I played the cello. Being in the orchestra was nerdy...and I was made fun of all of the time. I remember one time, my orchestra class was to put on a performance in the school auditorium. I was so embarrassed and scared of being teased, that I hid in the bathroom the entire time and missed the performance. I was in trouble with my parents and the orchestra teacher for this, but I accepted the consequences of that, much better than if I had been seen with "that group of people."
I was told that I looked like a "slut" by the way I carried my books across my chest, rather than holding them by my side. How the heck could I be a slut, if I had never even kissed by a boy at this time? I was told that I needed to stop saying hello to the "popular" kids because I was trying too hard and they thought I was weird. I would be acknowledge outside of school, but never in school.
I was failing my classes...I was miserable at school and I was miserable at home. I began to act out at home. If my parents knew then what most parents know now (of putting a child in a juvenile home or mental health unit), they probably should have. The depression I had always had but kept at bay, came out full circle. I engaged in things that were not healthy for me. I tried hurting myself on several occasions. ANY attention (even negative attention) was far better than no attention. I changed schools. I went to a private school, and things got much better. They encouraged diversity and welcomed newcomers. I flourished. I made new friends, I was able to play my cello without being made fun of, and my grades improved. Changing schools was the best decision my parents ever did for me. I am grateful for them for knowing that something needed to be done.
Throughout my young adult life, however, I still had issues. I sought out men who were not good for me (I had boyfriends who were physically and mentally abusive), I was raped in college, and I simply did not like myself. My depression and self harm grew more and more each day. Each rejection (from a boyfriend, or friend) hurt deeply. I was married and divorced all in the span of 10 months, due to my depression at the age of 30. I didn't know what was going on with me, and I felt like a complete failure as a woman. I finally sought help for my depression and anxiety, and things began to turn around for me.
I moved to Iowa (where I live now) and married the man of my dreams. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my soul mate. We have two beautiful children (our son is 8 and our daughter is 12), and I am fulfilled. However...sometimes suffer from depression and anxiety, and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year. In doing some research on that, it is completely understandable why I developed such a disorder. I have attended therapy for that and I'm doing very well. I have a huge support system at home. I do have bad days, when I am just angry and full of pain, but I try hard to work through those things. I have a strained relationship with my mother (My father passed away in 2006, and I was able to talk to him before he died, and we had a good long talk. I have forgiven him, but I still have painful memories), but I am learning that I will probably never get from her what I need. In her eyes, there's nothing she could have done to "save me" from my father. However, she is doing the same thing with my relationship with me and my sister, whom I no longer speak to for various reasons. She will not stand up for me, because she doesn't want to make waves with my sister. Yet, she can make waves with me, and triggers me to the point of frustration. I need to learn to let go...something I think will be a constant struggle.
Where I am now....I have a special education degree, a Human Services degree with a minor in Psychology, and I am currently in Graduate School to get my Master's in Mental Health Counseling. I have 5 core classes left to go, and then I will start my internship. I have done various jobs in the community that involve helping young people realize their potential. I have realized that bullies are just small people who have their own issues, and rather than recognizing them, they prey on other people, to make themselves feel better. I have taught anger management, social skills, conflict resolution, among a variety of other things. I DO understand what you might be going through. It is NOT hopeless, however. I am a happy adult, who has a lot of past baggage, but quite frankly, that baggage plus what I have learned, is who I am today. I wouldn't change that for the world. I love and I am loved. It is the best feeling in the world.
I write .... I write a lot. It is a major coping skill for me. I have an online blog about growing up and my depression (it is much more detailed) and I hope to one day publish it into a book.
You are not alone. You can do this, and you will be ok. Just reach out and ask for help. That's all it takes.
Thank you for reading this.
~Amy Hewitt Bonin~
(Creator of Standing up for Victims of Bullies - @Stand_up_2011))
Saturday, July 20, 2013
National Mental Health Resources
Posted by Amy Hewitt Bonin at 11:18 AM1-613-723-8484 (Canada)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Canada Suicide and Crisis Hotlines
http://www.suicidehotlines.com/canada.html
National Association for Shoplifting Prevention
GLBT National Youth Hotline = 1-800-246-7743
Friday, July 19, 2013
Bullying, Mental Illness and How We Have Failed
Posted by Amy Hewitt Bonin at 11:16 PMThis is in response to the incidents that have happened over the last couple of years with James Holmes (movie theater shooter), Adam Lanza and the Sandy Hook Elementary tragedy, the Boston Bombings, etc.
I focus my anti-bullying community with the mission and vision statement that we should be “proactive, rather than to be reactive” – in the bullying world, this means that we need to be aware of our surroundings and we need to step up and take action before a tragedy takes place, and we are therefore forced to react to it. I believe the same thing should be a part of our awareness for mental health issues.
Sadly, we have become a complacent and narcissistic society, where we keep to ourselves and look at people with disgust when they do something out of the ordinary. When someone goes on a shooting spree, we are flabbergasted and have no idea what just happened. How can loved ones be that ignorant? How can someone be so internally damaged, that NO ONE takes notice of it, until it’s too late??
There are always signs. We just tend to ignore them or tell people to “suck it up” or “get over it” when someone has a bad day or makes a rant on Facebook/Twitter or goes on an emotional downward spiral. We need to stop doing that. We need to be more aware of our neighbors and take action when we see signs that our friends are not doing so well. Signs such as; failing grades, shabby appearance (not caring what one looks like), losing weight, gaining weight, isolation, depression, sadness, excessive crying, not getting out of bed, not attending activities they once enjoyed, drinking or doing drugs, etc. There are multiple signs that people show us, but because they have not verbalized that they need help, we tend to leave them alone because we do not want to get involved.
Let me tell you something about asking for help. It is one of the hardest things to do, even when you need it the most. People who have a mental illness (including myself, who suffers from depression) generally do not ask for help because they do not want to become a burden to someone else. Instead, we act out and then people get upset or assume we are purposely causing drama. This is true for people who are mentally AND physically sick. It is so hard to swallow our pride and ask for help, so we do things to get attention, HOPING that someone may take notice.
Humanity is defined as the quality of being humane; kindness; benevolence. We are failing terribly at this. Our economy is failing, and unemployment is high, which leads to depression and hopelessness. Instead of having more services for people who need it for their overall mental health, services are being cut out or they have diminished completely. Where do people go for help now? If they are stable enough, they turn to one another. If they are not stable enough to ask for help, sometimes they snap. Everyone has a breaking point. Shouldn’t we be more aware of the red flags before that happens?
People who go on these shooting sprees and/or bombings need to be held accountable (in my personal opinion). I am so sick of the mental illness plea. Every time someone actually gets off on that plea, it allows someone else to get away with murder, when they really should have gotten help before a tragedy even began to take place. We have failed a lot of people who have used the mentally ill defense. Using that plea puts a negative connotation on those of us who suffer from one form of mental illness or another, and those who struggle with the disease every day (and yes, mental illness IS a disease). We (most of us) do not go out on shooting sprees, or drown our children, or go half-cocked and hold people as hostages while we get the attention we crave.
This brings me to my point. What SHOULD we be doing for our friends, loved ones, co-workers and colleagues who show signs of depression, physical sickness, or some sort of mental health disorder? We take notice of the red flags and we offer our love, our support and we are compassionate to their needs. Sometimes all it takes is a pat on the back, a smile, or a hug to let someone know that they are not alone in whatever dilemma they may be facing. Show more tact. Do not make fun of others or patronize those who struggle with something you may not understand. Educate yourselves. Make some time out of your busy schedule to let someone know that your door is open to them. They might not know that, unless you tell them specifically. Have the important conversations with your children. Be their parent, and not their friend. Make the rules and stick to them.
Be proactive, and not reactive. We are all angry now with what James has done to the families in Colorado, the victims of Sandy Hook, and the bombings in Boston. We’ve been praying for the families, and we have been talking with our own children because they have so many questions that we cannot fully answer. We are sad and we are angry and rightly so.
Look at your neighbor (your friends, family and loved ones). Don’t let what happened to James or Adam (or other people who have snapped and lost complete control) happen to them or to you. Take action now. Help someone reach their potential, rather than shaking your head when they go off the deep end.
Humanity starts at home.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
My note to a typical bully
Posted by Amy Hewitt Bonin at 1:20 AMIt would be very easy for me to look at you, with my hands on my hips and say, "Just who do you think you are?" I will not do that, however. I get the feeling that you get that sort of reaction a lot, and all that really does, is pour more fuel onto the fire. No, what I want to do, is sit down with you, give you a hug, and have an honest conversation.
To be brutally honest with you, it is said that people like you are generally not happy. Something is going with you, in order for you to feel that you have to be mean to others. Something is going on at home, or in your personal life where there is a lot of inner turmoil. You don't have the positive skills needed in order to resolve conflicts appropriately. You are angry, or depressed, and rather than to admit those things about yourself, you turn the turmoil onto other people. You are avoiding your own problems, and that makes you feel better about yourself. If others are focused on the victim of your bullying, then they are certainly not focused on you. That is extremely sad.
Do you have any idea what you are doing, and the consequences of your actions? You don't see what happens to the girl or boy you just teased or made fun of once they go home. You don't see that they cry themselves to sleep and beg their parents to let them stay home from school the next day. You don't realize that the issues you are focusing on in your bullying, are issues that they deal with everyday.
For example...You just teased the girl who is overweight, and stated to someone else that she should probably eat a salad. What you don't know about her, is that she has a medical problem, and cannot lose the weight so easily. She struggles everday with this. Once you teased her, she goes home and she refuses to eat her supper, which in turn makes her very unhealthy. She's hungry, but she's terrified to put anything in her mouth because it might make her gain more weight. I bet you didn't know that.
The boy you just made fun of because he wears dirty clothes to school, just went home and begged his parents to teach him how to use the washing machine. What you may not know, is that his parents work long hours and don't always have the time to wash his clothes. Maybe his clothes aren't designer clothes. You think that's funny because your parents spend a lot of money to make you look good. What you may not know, is that his father just got laid off, and they struggle to pay the bills and provide the essentials for the family. I bet you didn't know that.
I bet you didn't know that the boy you just shoved into the locker just because he's not in your circle of friends, goes home and has to explain the bruises on his back. He lies to his parents and tells them that he got hurt in gym class playing dodge ball. He is ashamed to tell his parents that you have been abusing him, because his parents have always taught him to stand up for himself. He's scared though. Everytime you approach him, he gets knots his stomach and he practically get sick.
If those examples weren't bad enough, you then had to pick on the student who is gay. You made fun of him because he was honest about his feelings and decided that he didn't want to hide who he really is anymore. You yelled out hateful things to him because you don't understand his way of life. So? Why should his sexual preference (or anyone's sexual preference for that matter) be of any concern of yours? What you don't know, is that he did not choose to be gay, or bisexual, or transgendered. The young lady who is a lesbian didn't choose that for herself, either. Why would they choose a way of life where the community and other groups make fun of them? Why would they choose a way of life where they do not receive equal rights that the rest of us take for granted? Does that even make sense?
We live in a world where diversity is encouraged (or should be encouraged, I should say). It doesn't matter if we are black or white, asian or hispanic, gay or straight. We are PEOPLE first. It also shouldn't matter that some people have a learning disability, a neurological disorder, or have a mental disorder. We do not choose to have those things. We are people first, who happen to be a little bit different. I have depression, Mr. Bully. It's not who I am, but what I have. Does that make me any less of a person than you are? No. I happen to think I am a unique individual, and if you took the time to know me, you might just like me.
Do you know what happens to these victims of yours once you go home and laugh that you've had a good day? They sometimes end up committing suicide. Is it funny now? Is it funny that you have hurt someone so deeply, that rather than to confront you about it, they go home and kill themselves? If they don't kill themselves, they are extremely depressed. They don't want to go to school. They don't want to be involved in any extra curricular activities, and sometimes they act out at home. Their parents don't understand what is going on with them, so out of desperation to gain control back in their own household, they punish them until their behavior improves. Is that funny?
No...I bet if you were to think about it, you wouldn't find any of this funny at all. I bet if you took the time to get to know these classmates of yours, you would most likely be friends with them. The problem is, you don't think very highly of yourself, so you choose not to make those steps.
I am sorry that things are not going well for you. I'm sorry that your grades are poor, so you are making up for your embarassment by taking the focus off of yourself. I'm sorry that your parents don't listen to you, or spend enough time with you. I'm sorry that your older brother bullied you at one point, so you think it's perfectly natural to bully others.
I want to reach out to you. I want your parents and the community to reach out to you. I want to teach you the appropriate social skills that you need, and I want you to attend anger management classes. I want you to learn positive coping skills for when you are angry, and I want you to like yourself. You are actually a good kid. You just make poor choices.
It's not too late, you know. You CAN turn this all around, and you can make ammeds for what you have done. All you have to do is make that first step.
I know you can do it. I have faith in you, and I am right here to help you when you are ready.
