Yesterday (April 1st) was my birthday and I turned 41. It was far less dramatic than it was last year. Turning the big 4-0 is a scary thing! It was a good day however, and my family celebrated with me without my turning into a crying mess. My birthday is somewhat unique, in that I was born on April Fool’s Day, and I was also adopted. Kind of ironic, isn’t it?

I was adopted at the age of five, but was given to foster care as an infant. My biological mother was unmarried, and was 26 years old at the time of my birth. I know nothing else about her, and I know absolutely nothing of my biological father. I found out later (through many questions I’ve had from my foster parents and the adoption agency that took care of my case), that she didn’t sign her parental rights immediately following my birth, which is why I was placed in foster care. I believe she wanted to somehow figure out a way to take care of me, because she would occasionally go to the orphanage to check up on me, but would never say anything to me. She wouldn’t even know which child was hers when she came for a visit. She would have to ask the caseworkers which one was me, and apparently she would stand there watching me, but never made an attempt to go any further than that. Once she finally gave up her parental rights, I was adopted in Ohio and my life as I know it, started at that very moment (That is another story that should be written, but it is not the main topic of this post).

I have no animosity toward my biological mother whatsoever. In fact, if anything, I respect her greatly. She gave me a gift….a gift of life. At a time when being pregnant out of wedlock was looked upon as extremely unheard of, she did the best thing she could for herself and for me. I’m sure it was a devastating experience for her, as giving up a baby would be for anyone. The only thing that I regret the most, is that I do not have any medical history of either one of my parents. I would like to know if she has a history of depression (It would make things a lot more clear for me if I had that information). I would like to know if I should be aware of cancer or any other disease that could be passed down from one family member to the next.

On days such as my birthday or special holidays, I often wonder if she thinks of me. Does she have those nostalgic moments where she wonders what I have become? Does she ever wonder if she is a grandmother? Does she ever wonder if the parents who adopted me were good people? Has she ever considered trying to find me? All of these things are questions that will never be answered. Although I was adopted into a good family, there is a certain hole in my life which cannot be filled, and sometimes I feel as if I do not know who I am.

But I digress…

April Fool’s Day has been a tradition since the 1500’s and is marked by doing practical jokes and hoaxes on people to embarrass the gullible. As a child (before anyone knew that I was adopted), my friends would find out that my birthday was on April 1st, and immediately go into a tirade of jokes they thought were hilarious. “Ha ha! You were born on April Fool’s Day? Seriously?? You were a joke!! Your momma didn’t really want you!!” Now you might think this is a cruel thing to say to a youngster, but I knew how to play the game back. I would look very seriously at them and with the knowledge that the joke would be played on them, I would reply very sadly, “Well you are right. My momma didn’t really want me, because I am adopted.” Drop dead silence. I laugh, because being adopted is not something which is difficult for me to discuss. I laugh because it is not something I am ashamed of. Many of these friends felt horrible for trying to make me the butt of their jokes, but I sat them down and explained the situation to them so they could understand it. To be well informed, is to have power and knowledge. They could understand the truth, because it came from a very reliable source.

Kids can be cruel, however, and there were others who were not as understanding as the ones who were asking questions. I think it’s easy to be cruel or hurtful when you do not understand something, and as kids we don’t understand that words really do hurt. It’s not until we are older, that we realize that the old saying of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is totally false. Words do hurt, and sometimes they stick with you forever.

To the ones who tried to break me down, I was still smarter than they were and was still not ashamed. You see, I was adopted which meant that I was chosen. How many of those kids could actually say that? Their parents had to accept what they were given. My parents chose me to become part of their family and no matter how hard those kids tried, they could not compete with that fact.

I was born on April Fool’s Day and I was adopted. I wasn’t a joke…I was chosen. And THAT my friends, is the best gift of all.

Written to my deceased father on Christmas Day, on Facebook

Dear Dad,

I'm writing this letter to you, because I always feel better when I either write things down, or when I used to pick up the phone to talk to you. I can't physically talk to you anymore, but I know you feel my emotions, and I'd like to tell you about what's been going on with me this year.

It's nearly 2010...you've been gone now for 4 years in January. I can't believe you've been away from us for that long! It seems like yesterday when I would pick up the phone to ask your advice about something!!! In the past 4 years, so much has happened!

Ali has grown into a very mature 8 year old. You would be proud of her. She's in the 3rd grade, and is extremely smart. She's been reading chapter books since she was in the 1st grade, and she is just like me....she reads ALL of the time. She's smart, and she retains information, and the things that come out of her mouth just amazes me. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she's also like me, in that she will cry at the drop of a hat if her feelings have been hurt. Fairness is important to her, and if someone is mad at her (doesn't matter who it is), she strives to make it better. She's an awesome big sister to her brother (most of the time) and she loves to help me around the house. She's a bit clingy at times but I know you would love that! She would sit on your lap and stay there all day if you let her!! I can't do that though, because she has such a boney butt!!! LOL.

Dylan just turned 5 in October, and is extremely shy. Much more so than Ali ever was at his age. He picks at his fingers when he's uncomfortable, and he will refuse to talk, until he gets to know you. I know that you would have been able to get him out of his shell though, because you could be so funny and so understanding at times. Once you get him started though, he never shuts up!!! *chuckles* He loves his sister very much, and if she tries to gain her independence from him, it breaks his little heart. He also has a temper, and we've learned to leave him alone until he can calm down and is ready to talk. You remember that with me, don't you? You used to get so mad at me, because I would clam up and not say anything, and you always thought I was purposely being defiant. Well, I wasn't...it was just that I had a hard time expressing my emotions to you in an appropriate way, so I just didn't say anything until I could be calm enough to do so. Dylan is exactly the same way!! I can see now why you thought I was being disrespecful though...especially when you would ask a question, and I would just stand there and not say a word. We see that in Dylan, so we just leave him alone until he's ready to talk, or he will totally shut down if we push him. He's a sweetheart though...I call him my cuddle bug, and he loves that.

Danny and I are doing great. I finally found the man I deserve, Dad. I know you liked him before you left us, but you would be proud of him now. He has turned into one hell of a father, and he's an excellent husband. I couldn't be happier with him. You've been there with me with so many of the heartbreaks, but I can promise you, that your son-in-law will never hurt your baby girl. NEVER.

I'm doing well. I found a good job and I will be turning in my Graduate Application by February, so I can get my Master's in Social Work. I am so ready to further my education!!! Education was so important to you and Mom, and I just sort of squandered that away when I was at Tech. I guess I wasn't ready to be on my own. I may be chronilogically 40 years old, but my heart and head feels so much younger than that. Maybe because I had a lot of issues growing up, and I didn't allow myself to become the adult I know I could be.

You pushed me...you angered me...you made me cry. But I know you did all of those things because you loved me, and you just wanted the best for me. You saw my potential, and you knew I could do better for myself. You were right. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want out of life, but I know it now. I also am a good parent, because of you. You taught me how to love unconditionally, and to let my children know that I may not like their behaviors and actions, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. That's a hard thing to hear, and as a kid you don't hear "I love you"...you hear, "I can't believe you did that again!" As a parent, I understand how tough it was for you to discipline me, or ground me or whatever you needed to do. You want your kids to grow and learn from their mistakes, but you also need to guide them and show them the right path. You ALWAYS showed me the right path. I just sort of wandered around it at times, and I know that hurt you.

I am a good mother, wife, and I hope I'm a good friend. I strive to be those things. I remember the lessons you taught me, and the words you spoke to me, and there are moments when I think I hear your voice. You have no idea how much I miss you...and how I hunger to hear your words of wisdom when I'm not feeling good about myself. But I can't be selfish. I know you are in a better place with no pain and no confusion.

You fought so hard in your last months! If I didn't say it enough, you need to know how proud I am of you and your fight, and I believe you to be my biggest hero. You never complained about your own situation. You complained about me not doing what I needed to do, or at the nurses who pissed you off, or the fact that mom wasn't home EXACTLY when you thought she should be, but you NEVER complained about being sick. I try to think about that, when I have a bad day and I'm complaining about the stupid stuff that bothers me. I have to think about how you were living with a disease that took everything away from you, and how you fought to stay walking, and stay away from being sent to a nursing home. How you fought to stay with mom, a woman whom you loved for 51 years...and it definitely showed. Your marriage is something that I admire and respect. You endured tragedies together, and you shared triumphs. That is an amazing thing.

I love you so much. I miss you, but I know you are ok. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

Merry Christmas, Dad. May the Peace of the Lord always be with you.


Love Always,

Amy