Written to my deceased father on Christmas Day, on Facebook

Dear Dad,

I'm writing this letter to you, because I always feel better when I either write things down, or when I used to pick up the phone to talk to you. I can't physically talk to you anymore, but I know you feel my emotions, and I'd like to tell you about what's been going on with me this year.

It's nearly 2010...you've been gone now for 4 years in January. I can't believe you've been away from us for that long! It seems like yesterday when I would pick up the phone to ask your advice about something!!! In the past 4 years, so much has happened!

Ali has grown into a very mature 8 year old. You would be proud of her. She's in the 3rd grade, and is extremely smart. She's been reading chapter books since she was in the 1st grade, and she is just like me....she reads ALL of the time. She's smart, and she retains information, and the things that come out of her mouth just amazes me. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she's also like me, in that she will cry at the drop of a hat if her feelings have been hurt. Fairness is important to her, and if someone is mad at her (doesn't matter who it is), she strives to make it better. She's an awesome big sister to her brother (most of the time) and she loves to help me around the house. She's a bit clingy at times but I know you would love that! She would sit on your lap and stay there all day if you let her!! I can't do that though, because she has such a boney butt!!! LOL.

Dylan just turned 5 in October, and is extremely shy. Much more so than Ali ever was at his age. He picks at his fingers when he's uncomfortable, and he will refuse to talk, until he gets to know you. I know that you would have been able to get him out of his shell though, because you could be so funny and so understanding at times. Once you get him started though, he never shuts up!!! *chuckles* He loves his sister very much, and if she tries to gain her independence from him, it breaks his little heart. He also has a temper, and we've learned to leave him alone until he can calm down and is ready to talk. You remember that with me, don't you? You used to get so mad at me, because I would clam up and not say anything, and you always thought I was purposely being defiant. Well, I wasn't...it was just that I had a hard time expressing my emotions to you in an appropriate way, so I just didn't say anything until I could be calm enough to do so. Dylan is exactly the same way!! I can see now why you thought I was being disrespecful though...especially when you would ask a question, and I would just stand there and not say a word. We see that in Dylan, so we just leave him alone until he's ready to talk, or he will totally shut down if we push him. He's a sweetheart though...I call him my cuddle bug, and he loves that.

Danny and I are doing great. I finally found the man I deserve, Dad. I know you liked him before you left us, but you would be proud of him now. He has turned into one hell of a father, and he's an excellent husband. I couldn't be happier with him. You've been there with me with so many of the heartbreaks, but I can promise you, that your son-in-law will never hurt your baby girl. NEVER.

I'm doing well. I found a good job and I will be turning in my Graduate Application by February, so I can get my Master's in Social Work. I am so ready to further my education!!! Education was so important to you and Mom, and I just sort of squandered that away when I was at Tech. I guess I wasn't ready to be on my own. I may be chronilogically 40 years old, but my heart and head feels so much younger than that. Maybe because I had a lot of issues growing up, and I didn't allow myself to become the adult I know I could be.

You pushed me...you angered me...you made me cry. But I know you did all of those things because you loved me, and you just wanted the best for me. You saw my potential, and you knew I could do better for myself. You were right. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want out of life, but I know it now. I also am a good parent, because of you. You taught me how to love unconditionally, and to let my children know that I may not like their behaviors and actions, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. That's a hard thing to hear, and as a kid you don't hear "I love you"...you hear, "I can't believe you did that again!" As a parent, I understand how tough it was for you to discipline me, or ground me or whatever you needed to do. You want your kids to grow and learn from their mistakes, but you also need to guide them and show them the right path. You ALWAYS showed me the right path. I just sort of wandered around it at times, and I know that hurt you.

I am a good mother, wife, and I hope I'm a good friend. I strive to be those things. I remember the lessons you taught me, and the words you spoke to me, and there are moments when I think I hear your voice. You have no idea how much I miss you...and how I hunger to hear your words of wisdom when I'm not feeling good about myself. But I can't be selfish. I know you are in a better place with no pain and no confusion.

You fought so hard in your last months! If I didn't say it enough, you need to know how proud I am of you and your fight, and I believe you to be my biggest hero. You never complained about your own situation. You complained about me not doing what I needed to do, or at the nurses who pissed you off, or the fact that mom wasn't home EXACTLY when you thought she should be, but you NEVER complained about being sick. I try to think about that, when I have a bad day and I'm complaining about the stupid stuff that bothers me. I have to think about how you were living with a disease that took everything away from you, and how you fought to stay walking, and stay away from being sent to a nursing home. How you fought to stay with mom, a woman whom you loved for 51 years...and it definitely showed. Your marriage is something that I admire and respect. You endured tragedies together, and you shared triumphs. That is an amazing thing.

I love you so much. I miss you, but I know you are ok. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

Merry Christmas, Dad. May the Peace of the Lord always be with you.


Love Always,

Amy