It is so hard to figure out what to do when we are being bullied, or if our children are being bullied. Here are some suggestions of what to do if this is happening.

One thing that I stress over and over is DOCUMENTATION. This is so important to remember. A lot of times, we tend to forget the little things, or we get all frustrated when trying to explain a situation to someone, that we get the details wrong. So, it’s important to document what is happening. Get a journal, and write down EVERYTHING, even if it seems to be a tiny detail. Put it in there. Document who, what, where, time, place, what was said and done, who it was reported to, how it was handled or not handled, and what you plan on doing next. If you have to go so far as to make your voice heard with the school board or the police, then you will have the documentation handy. Also…cell phones are a great thing to have around. You can video tape what is being done and said, and you have pictures to back you up. Gathering the facts is essential.

Here is the chain command that you should report to - if one doesn't respond, then move on to the next one, but do not give up.

1. Report to the teacher or bus driver
2. Report to the principal - let him/her know what is going on immediately
3. Report to the Superintendent - if principal doesn’t do anything
4. Report to the school board - if no one is doing anything
5. Take to the police 6. Take to the media (Radio, newspapers, TV reporters) - schools do NOT like to look negative in the public.

If bullying is occurring, students should try to stay in a group or walk with someone else whenever there is little to no supervision (Bathrooms, hallways, playgrounds and lunchrooms).

If bullying is occurring, then please do something - step up and intervene (in a non-threatening way), or go find a trusted adult. There is a difference between TATTLING and TELLING. Tattling involves wanting to get someone into trouble purposely. Telling involves telling someone that something is not right - that you are being hurt or abused. TELLING could save a life.

Do NOT ignore the bullying!! We want students and parents to become proactive, rather than reactive. This means to step up and take action before the bullying leads to something more serious. We (as a society) tend to react when we hear stories of students being bullied to death....when kids take their own lives because they can no longer handle the torture of going to school everyday. Being proactive will help avoid those situations because we will put a stop to it before it goes further.

TIPS FOR PARENTS

Gather the parents together who believe that this needs to stop and together, go to the school and school board. Make your voices heard! There is power in numbers.

Know your district's anti-bullying policy and refer to it when speaking to school officials. Know your state's laws as well. Be KNOWLEDGEABLE.

Become a permanent fixture in the schools. Be a room monitor or helper, have lunch with your child, observe in the classroom or hallways. The more adults that stand around with a watchful eye, the better that the bullying will stop. Ride the bus with your child if you have the time to do so.

** This is a hard one ** - Please do NOT confront the individual who is bullying your child, or the parent of the child who is being the bully. I know most people will disagree with this, but with the research I have found, and in my own bullying advocacy, I have learned that this is not appropriate because it adds to the problem. GOOD parents want to protect their children, so when your child comes home with bumps and bruises, your first reaction is to want to kick someone's butt. That's understandable. However, you might run into that parent who thinks that their kid can do no wrong, or the parent who is a bully themselves, and you end up with a massive power struggle. Now your kid, and the bully will see an argument develop between you (the parents) and they will see that it's ok to fight because well, let's face...you're doing it. Make sense?

Be the role model. Teach your child that it's not ok to fight. It's not ok to bully, harass, threaten, abuse, manipulate, scare, or anything negative toward another human being.

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY

Most people will say that schools need a zero tolerance policy. It looks great and sounds great on paper, but this is what it really means:

Joe is getting bullied by Bob. Joe doesn't tell anyone for awhile, and tries to take care of it on his own. Bob continues to bully Joe, and Joe finally decides to tell someone. He tells the bus driver or his teacher, who NEVER documents the bullying taking place (so there is no record of it). Joe has enough, and one day when Bob is hitting him and punching him in the face, Joe decides to fight back and punches Bob in the face. As this happens, the principal or another teacher comes down the hallway, and sees Joe knock Bob down to the floor. Now both boys are fighting. Both boys are taken to the principal's office, and because there is a zero tolerance for bullying, BOTH boys are suspended.

Is that fair? Joe should never be punished for standing up for himself and fighting back, but because no one actually took him seriously and documented his complaint, he is now in trouble as well. It's not a good policy.

Other things that could be helpful…

Develop a task force in school - a group of kids and parents who want to make a difference. Make posters about bullying and sources of information to get help.

Involve the community - create a partnership with the school and community (churches, youth groups, businesses, etc).

Be aware of who your children are hanging out with, and what they are doing. Be proactive and always know what, who, when, where and why they are doing something.

Communicate with your children positively - get them counseling if needed, so they can manage their feelings. Mental health issues and bullying go hand in hand.

DON’T EVER GIVE UP

Websites to help with bullying situations:

http://www.bulliesout.com/ 
http://www.beatbullying.org/
http://www.stompoutbullying.org/
http://www.stopbullying.gov/
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/

I was inspired to write this, because an old high school friend of mine is having issues on Facebook with people she was friends with in high school.

In high school, she was popular. She was in the crowd that everyone wanted to be in, and if you weren't in that crowd, then you were pretty much a nobody. At least that's how I felt. She and I were neighbors, and outside of school, we hung out, but NEVER during school because I was not the person that the clique wanted to associate with. This was an unspoken rule between us, and neither of us fought it. We just let it slide by and after school and in the summer, we were the best of friends.

We have befriended one another here, and we have learned a lot about each other. I learned that being the popular kid wasn't as easy as it seemed. In order to be in that specific group, you had to adhere to their rules. There were certain days you could wear jeans, make-up had to be worn, the girls would call each other and make sure they were color coordinated, if you spoke to someone out of the group, you would be outcast, and you had to behave in such a way as to not embarrass the clique as a whole. I had no idea that this was going on within the group. From an observer, all you saw were these happy care-free girls and boys who were ALL good looking, into sports and everyone wanted to be like them.

She and I are friends here on Facebook, and we have gotten reacquainted. We have spoken about those rules, and the fact that she and I didn't have a relationship within the school building. She has apologized profusely, and things between us are just fine. Bygones are bygones...why hold onto something that was over 20 years ago, and was so petty?

However, she is having issues with those same people, here on Facebook. They are talking about her behind her back, and she is having issues with it. I believe (and I told her this on her public wall) that the reason this is happening, is because she is her own person now, and is not attached to any sort of order or rule. She is acting differently than she acted in high school because she is acting as HERSELF with no restrictions. They don't seem to get it...and are criticizing her for being "weird" or "goofy." - what the heck is that all about???

I swear. People can be so damned stupid. ignorant, petty and just plain selfish. High school wasn't that great, if you ask me. There is life BEYOND the walls of a school building, you know. This friend of mine is beautiful, married and has a son. She has a great life, but because she is not acting like they remembered her to act in high school, they are making fun of her? Seriously?

** Listen up. To any of you who are still in high school, remember this. Life is about the friendships you make, and the stamp you put on this world. It's not about how many friends you can make, and how popular you become. Life isn't about popularity at all. I would rather have just a few amazing friends (ones whom I could really rely on, trust and have fun with), then a million acquaintances that wouldn't give a damn if I got hit by a bus. **

There's a famous quote from the movie, "Never Been Kissed" - (One of my favorite movies) which I think pretty much sums it all up.

"Let me tell you something, I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old. I'm an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and I've been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you about this girl she is unbelievable. I was new here and she befriended me no questions asked. But you, you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. All of you people, there is a big world out there... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it won't matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."

FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, AND TRY NOT TO BE AFRAID OF IT.

So...my point is that I could care less if my true friends were; poor, rich, ugly, beautiful, skinny, fat, black, white, mixed, gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, weird, silly, or anything from a whole plethora of adjectives. I would only care if they were my friend, I trusted them, they trusted me, and we had a bond.

Why does any of that other stuff matter???? It doesn't. Figure that out, and you will be a lot happier within yourself. Trust me.

Thanks for listening to the rant....

~Amy Hewitt Bonin~

I figured it was time to tell you of my own story. A lot of people will look and wonder why I created a community page on Facebook = "Standing Up For Victims of Bullies (Child or Adult)." and why I am such an advocate for people with mental health issues. The answer is simple. I want to show others that there IS hope, and although they may be facing horrible circumstances, there are ways to help yourselves and be healthy.

I was adopted at the age of five, but my biological mother gave me up as an infant, so I moved from foster care to foster care for five years. As we all know, children are supposed to be loved and cared for, and they are supposed to feel safe. I didn't get those things, so I had severe trust issues and abandonment issues at a very young age. My adoptive parents are good people, but they were also a bit dysfunctional. My father was verbally abusive, and I would be in tears every day. He was controlling, and if I tried to stand up for myself, I would be told that I was talking back and he would ignore me for days. My mother (in my eyes, but she sees it differently) didn't say a word, and would allow for it to happen...telling me that I should just let things go, and move on from my anger. I grew up without a voice, and that carried with me for several years. Actually, I am just now learning how to use my voice, and to be heard.

I may not have been physically bullied in school, but I was socially isolated, neglected, made fun of, and very insecure. I am 44 years old, so we are talking 20 plus years ago, in the 1980's. I went to a high school in Houston, Texas where there are now 3316 students enrolled. In a school that big, you either were well known, or you were lost in the shuffle. I was one who was lost in the shuffle

Like I said earlier, I come from a good family, but my parents did not believe in buying brand name clothing, or anything that was expensive. They taught me and my sister the value of money, and how to work for something. Because of that, I did not wear what all of the other girls were wearing. I didn't wear make-up until I was 16, because I was not allowed to. I was not popular. I had no niche, and I was miserable.

Instead of playing a sport, or being in the band or choir, I played the cello. Being in the orchestra was nerdy...and I was made fun of all of the time. I remember one time, my orchestra class was to put on a performance in the school auditorium. I was so embarrassed and scared of being teased, that I hid in the bathroom the entire time and missed the performance. I was in trouble with my parents and the orchestra teacher for this, but I accepted the consequences of that, much better than if I had been seen with "that group of people."

I was told that I looked like a "slut" by the way I carried my books across my chest, rather than holding them by my side. How the heck could I be a slut, if I had never even kissed by a boy at this time? I was told that I needed to stop saying hello to the "popular" kids because I was trying too hard and they thought I was weird. I would be acknowledge outside of school, but never in school.

I was failing my classes...I was miserable at school and I was miserable at home. I began to act out at home. If my parents knew then what most parents know now (of putting a child in a juvenile home or mental health unit), they probably should have. The depression I had always had but kept at bay, came out full circle. I engaged in things that were not healthy for me. I tried hurting myself on several occasions. ANY attention (even negative attention) was far better than no attention. I changed schools. I went to a private school, and things got much better. They encouraged diversity and welcomed newcomers. I flourished. I made new friends, I was able to play my cello without being made fun of, and my grades improved. Changing schools was the best decision my parents ever did for me. I am grateful for them for knowing that something needed to be done.

Throughout my young adult life, however, I still had issues. I sought out men who were not good for me (I had boyfriends who were physically and mentally abusive), I was raped in college, and I simply did not like myself. My depression and self harm grew more and more each day. Each rejection (from a boyfriend, or friend) hurt deeply. I was married and divorced all in the span of 10 months, due to my depression at the age of 30. I didn't know what was going on with me, and I felt like a complete failure as a woman. I finally sought help for my depression and anxiety, and things began to turn around for me.

I moved to Iowa (where I live now) and married the man of my dreams. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my soul mate. We have two beautiful children (our son is 8 and our daughter is 12), and I am fulfilled. However...sometimes suffer from depression and anxiety, and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year. In doing some research on that, it is completely understandable why I developed such a disorder. I have attended therapy for that and I'm doing very well. I have a huge support system at home. I do have bad days, when I am just angry and full of pain, but I try hard to work through those things. I have a strained relationship with my mother (My father passed away in 2006, and I was able to talk to him before he died, and we had a good long talk. I have forgiven him, but I still have painful memories), but I am learning that I will probably never get from her what I need. In her eyes, there's nothing she could have done to "save me" from my father. However, she is doing the same thing with my relationship with me and my sister, whom I no longer speak to for various reasons. She will not stand up for me, because she doesn't want to make waves with my sister. Yet, she can make waves with me, and triggers me to the point of frustration. I need to learn to let go...something I think will be a constant struggle.

These are the reasons I created the anti-bullying community, and why I am such an advocate for victims and for spreading awareness about mental health issues. I think it's important, and I think we need to ban together to stop people from being hurt and abused.

Where I am now....I have a special education degree, a Human Services degree with a minor in Psychology, and I am currently in Graduate School to get my Master's in Mental Health Counseling. I have 5 core classes left to go, and then I will start my internship. I have done various jobs in the community that involve helping young people realize their potential. I have realized that bullies are just small people who have their own issues, and rather than recognizing them, they prey on other people, to make themselves feel better. I have taught anger management, social skills, conflict resolution, among a variety of other things. I DO understand what you might be going through. It is NOT hopeless, however. I am a happy adult, who has a lot of past baggage, but quite frankly, that baggage plus what I have learned, is who I am today. I wouldn't change that for the world. I love and I am loved. It is the best feeling in the world.

I write .... I write a lot. It is a major coping skill for me. I have an online blog about growing up and my depression (it is much more detailed) and I hope to one day publish it into a book.

You are not alone. You can do this, and you will be ok. Just reach out and ask for help. That's all it takes.

Thank you for reading this.

~Amy Hewitt Bonin~
(Creator of Standing up for Victims of Bullies - @Stand_up_2011))