I haven't written in this blog for 3 years. I have been busy with graduate school, my family, and personal obstacles which have gotten in the way. I've always had a passion for writing however, and I am thrilled to be back in this venue.

Writing is therapeutic for me.  I use it to share my voice because I haven't always been able to do so.  I also use it to share topics that concern or interest me, and perhaps educate others in the process (or persuade others to educate themselves on issues they may not fully understand).

I do not expect others to agree with everything I have to say.  I do not expect others to compromise their own belief system just because we gave different viewpoints.  The beauty of being an adult, is that we all have the opportunity to express our beliefs and values in a respectful, productive, and non-threatening manner.  We don't always show such respect, but we should.

This is not what I've been seeing lately, however.  All throughout social media and in our conversations with one another, I've been seeing how people are treating one another with hate and discrimination...putting one another down for our beliefs and casting one another out because a person (or group of persons) don't fit in our little mold of how people should be.

We are living in a world of xenophobia = the fear of that which is perceived to be foreign or strange.

We should strive for individualism where each person acts upon their own belief system and merit, rather than collectivism, where a group is the primary entity, and the individual is lost within that entity.

Rather than asking questions and listening to others, we we talking at each other and ignoring how others may feel.  We are ignoring people's core beliefs and values just because we don't agree.  We are listening to others spew hate based on fear and we aren't stopping to find out what that fear is based on.

If adults cannot get along with one another and conduct themselves with class and dignity, then what makes us think our children will behave any differently?  Why so we get mad at them when they are defiant and destructive?  Children learn from their environment...and quite frankly, we are not being very positive role models.

We should be careful in how we approach things. Due to the 1st amendment, we have the right to express our thoughts and feelings, but don't we also have a responsibility in how we express those thoughts?  I don't believe we should be expressing opinions which are discriminatory and hateful toward others.  I think there are times when we can express ourselves, and times when we should learn when to be more tactful.

We are all human and we all have feelings which can be broken the minute someone rejects us. Rejection for who we are and what we stand for is indubitably the most deplorable act there is...and we are doing it every single day.

As I've said in my advocacy against bullying, we need to be proactive rather than reactive.  Reacting ex post facto (after it has happened) does not work. All we are doing is adding fuel to the burning embers while we sit back and watch everything crumble around us, and then we incredulously wonder what the hell just happened.

It's time to put an end to all of this negativity and passive/aggressive behaviors.  It's time to communicate more effectively and learn how to be more accepting and tolerant of one another.  Until we can do that, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes and live in a world of exclusion.

I, for one, am extremely disheartened by it all.

I am so over the Target bathroom debate...but I AM going to make a statement about it.

I am going to literally drive 45 miles to the nearest Target just so I can use the restroom.  I'm going to take a picture of myself heading into that bathroom, and post it on social media telling them how proud I am to still be a patron of their business.  I'm going to point out that I am not an LGBT person, but I'm a huge supporter.

If others can be so hateful and discriminatory to post pics of themselves stating how they will never enter the store again, then I can do the exact opposite.

I've always said that if you are passionate about something, then don't just sit there and do nothing. Be a part of the solution.  Stand up for what you believe in.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

Depression. We all know what it is and how to find the resources for help. I’m not going to provide links and information about something which is very accessible on the internet. The websites talk about prevalence and contributing factors and sometimes what causes depression. What the websites don’t necessarily tell you, is how a person with depression feels.

This is my story. It’s about having clinical depression and how it makes me feel. It’s about being honest with myself about this disease and how I’ve struggled for most of my life. This is an honest and truthful tale and full of emotion. It is a daily struggle, one of which started at a very young age, but wasn’t recognized until much later. The time span that is being discussed, is before I was aware I had depression, through my recovery now.

*** DISCLAIMER: Please be aware that the emotions here are gut wrenchingly honest and truthful from my own perspective. Others who have depression may not experience what I have been through, so I want people reading this to understand that this is my story, and my story only. Also...this was written 3 years ago, and although the emotions and facts are still accurate, I am no longer suffering from depressive episodes.  I am happy, healthy, and my recovery process has been wonderful. ***

I am happily married and I have two beautiful children. I have a Special Education Degree, a Human Services Degree with a minor in Psychology, and I am currently in Graduate School getting my Master’s in mental health counseling (Future LPC).  I am a compassionate woman and I have worked in the human services field for years, helping others to achieve their potential and make better choices for themselves. I have taught anger management, coping skills and decision making skills to adolescents at risk. I have been a social worker in nursing home, and have worked on the psychiatric unit at a local hospital. I am an advocate for mental health awareness, suicide prevention, bullying,  and I work hard to try and erase the stigma some people believe mental health disorders have.

I am a wife, mother, and a friend who happens to have a mental illness. It’s not who I am, but what I have. People tend to forget that an individual who has depression or any other disorder is actually a person underneath the chaos and despair. On my worst days, it feels as if the depression consumes me and takes over my entire body. I am filled with negative thoughts and pessimistic views. I am irritable, impulsive, anxious, and sometimes I am sarcastic even to those I love,. I can even become narcissistic and wonder why people don’t see me as this wonderful person and become aggravated when they want nothing to do with me. I once went as far as telling one of my very best friends to shut up because her voice was bothering me (I feel utterly horrible about that, but luckily she is a wonderful friend who is aware of my depression and is extremely supportive and understanding). Voices, loud noises, and constant talking are subjected to my frustration and although it’s no one’s fault by my own, I go into a zone where the aggravation completely takes over and sometimes I get migraines which don’t help the situation at all.  I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder over a year ago.  Some of the symptoms I just described go along with that.

I can hear myself when I’m angry and depressed, and I can hear the words, tone, and pitch of what I’m saying and on a subconscious level, I cringe at what I’m doing. I know that I’m wrong and I know that I’m being hurtful, but at the same time, I cannot stop. It’s like having an out of body experience where you are floating above and watching every movement and hearing every word, but are powerless to stop. It’s the worst feeling in the world, when you know that you are being unreasonable and could be hurting someone’s feelings. That is why I have learned to keep my mouth shut until I can calm down and have an adult conversation with someone. However, even that can get me into trouble because I am seen as being disrespectful and defiant and as someone who doesn’t seem to have the patience to deal with a situation tactfully.

I believe that my having depression is partly responsible for the failure of my first marriage. My emotions were everywhere, and I was not easy to live with. Once he left me, I finally realized that something was terribly wrong and I needed to do something about it. I could no longer deny that I had a problem, especially since it was affecting my relationships and my work ethic. I began therapy and was put on antidepressants. Within a few weeks, I could tell a world of difference in my attitude, and was ready for a change. I felt as if staying where I was (in Texas) after a divorce was just not conducive to my recovery, so I decided to move out of the comfort zone and started completely over in Iowa (That story is another post you can find on this blog).

Once I realized that I needed help, I struggled with having to rely on antidepressants to make me feel better. I didn’t want to rely on them and I didn’t want people to view me differently for not being able to handle my emotions on my own. Once I got past those feelings, my road to recovery could start. (** Currently, I am off of my antidepressant medication, and have been doing extremely well for over a year**)

My recovery is a continual process. There are days when I’m doing very well, and other days when I feel like I’ve taken two step backwards again and it can be very frustrating. It doesn’t last long, though. I’ve learned that if I am having a bad day, then I need to use a coping skill, such as blogging or guided imagery, or taking deep breaths. I’ve learned to communicate with my family, who are absolutely amazing in their unconditional love and I am very grateful for their ongoing support. I am learning that sometimes I need to step back from trying to help the world, and focus on myself and my own healing. I am trying not to be so impulsive and freak out when things are not going my way.

Right now, I am in the process of writing my life story on another Blog, entitled, “Living with Depression.” It is detailed from when I was a child, through my adolescence, adulthood and to the present day. This is a very therapeutic exercise for me, and although there are some people who may not agree with the specifics which I will be writing about, it is something I need to do for myself. I hope that one day, it might be good enough to turn into a book.

I hope this story (and others I have written on this blog) will help others to understand that those of us who have depression or any other mental illness, are individuals first. It’s not who we are, but what we have.

Thank you.

~Amy~