#RememberingCory

A life taken too soon...and for reasons that didn't need to be. So here's my rant for tonight because I love each and every one of you, and I never want to lose that opportunity to tell you.

Don't do drugs - if you do, please get help. There's no shame in admitting something is wrong. There's no shame in admitting your weakness. There's no shame in asking for help.

For those of us who don't do drugs but know people who do...please don't ever give up on them. They may not know how to ask for help. They may not realize they have a problem. They may be in denial. They may be angry and full of negativity, but realize it isn't THEM that is talking to you in that manner. It's the drugs. Look past all of that, and let them know you're there, whether they want you to be or not. Eventually they will need you. Eventually they will ask for your help...and when they do, I hope you will be there for them.

Don't drink and drive. Don't text and drive. Don't do ANYTHING that will cost you your life, or the life of someone else.

Be safe. Be healthy. Be humble.

Do not judge or hold grudges.

Love your friends and family and do not ever give up on them or on yourself.

ALWAYS tell the ones who are in your life that you love them....even if you haven't told them in awhile.

Forgive and let go of the past. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting whatever it was which hurt you. Forgiveness is letting go so that the past does not hold you prisoner.

Though we have lost some of our loved ones lately, life DOES go on. LIVE.

The dash between years...the dash between the moment you're born and your death. What does that dash mean?

"In that small space of ink is all your dreams, your achievements, your gratitude, your forgiveness, your successes, your dreams, your goals, your passion, your fulfillment, your joy, your peace, and your balance. It links you to the friends you have made, the children you have nurtured, and the people you have touched. It holds the mark you leave behind in this world."

How full is your dash? If you can't answer that, then you better get out there and make that dash momentous and leave your mark in this world...

Don't wait. Do it now.

I love you.  <3

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you have gone through an extreme emotional trauma that involved the threat of injury or death.

Brief Explanation Of What PTSD Is:

When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger. PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes.

The National Institute of Mental Health has a lot of good information on PTSD  =  Information on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is not about what PTSD is for the general population, but it’s how I have PTSD and how it affects me.

My PTSD was not caused due to something horrific like abuse or personal trauma.  Mine was caused by a natural disaster.  My PTSD is formed around thunderstorms and the potential for tornadoes.  My friends make fun of me all of the time for going into a panic mode, but there is a reason for my madness.

I was living in Houston, Texas when Hurricane Alicia hit land in 1983.  I was 14 years old at the time.  “Alicia” struck Galveston and Houston directly, causing $2.6 billion in damages, and killed 21 people.  It was such a massive storm, that they “retired” Alicia’s name as the name of a hurricane.  It will never be used again when referring to an Atlantic Hurricane. 

My Story:

I was in the 9^th grade and it was the week of finals before the end of school.  My mother and sister were out of town, so it was just me and my father at home.  I was awakened at 2am by loud noises hitting the windows and by the lightening that illuminated my bedroom.  It was raining, and the wind was blowing.  The thunder was loud.  I was beginning to get really nervous, so I put my robe on, took my teddy bear (yes, I still slept with a teddy bear at 14 years old), and went downstairs.  I sat on the living room couch, trying to decide if I should wake my father up, who amazingly enough, was sleeping during storm.  The entire inside of the house was bright with the lightening which seemed endless.  The wind was getting stronger and the noises I heard (most likely hail) was coming down faster and harder. 

I finally decided to wake my father.  I walked into his room and woke him up, explaining what was going on.  It didn’t take much for me to explain.  Once he was awake, he could hear and see what was happening.  The minute we walked out of his bedroom, an enormous oak tree fell through the ceiling of the house and landed in the exact place on the couch I had been sitting 10 minutes before.  If I had still been sitting there, that tree would have killed me.  Not only did we have a tree in our living room, it was now raining heavily, and all of the debris was flying around the house (sheet-rock, limbs, dirt, rocks, etc.).  My father literally pushed me out of the way to avoid getting hit by the debris. 

My father had just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and was told by his doctor to avoid any unnecessary stress.  Right.  While I was freaking out, he calmly walked to the kitchen and made a phone call to our next door neighbor.  This is what I heard. 

“Hello, Richard?  Hi, this is Chuck.  Did you hear that loud noise?  Well, that was a tree that just fell into our living room.  It’s raining in the house now.  Can Amy and I come over?” – Calm as a cucumber.  Unbelievable.

So now we walk to the front hall closet, where he thinks we need to get our raincoats on.  He slowly goes through all of the coats, pushing them aside and he was mumbling under his breath.. “No, this isn’t yours.  This isn’t yours either.”

By this time, I was completely freaking out.  I actually yelled at my father (and if you knew anything about him and how strict and conservative he was, this was not something I did often).  “I don’t care whose coat you get!  Just please get me one and let’s get out of here!”   My father just looked at me, noticed how stressed out I was, and remained extremely calm.  His voice was soothing and he did everything he could to protect me and keep me safe (Meanwhile, the stress he was actually feeling, was causing physical problems to his body, due to his MS).

We were the talk of the neighborhood the following day.  Schools were cancelled because the roads were blocked with trees and there was a lot of damage to clean up.  People would come over and take pictures of the oak tree sitting in the middle of the living room.  They would come over and bring us food, and offered their help in any way that they could.  It was a time where people worked together to help others.  We had to move out of our house for the entire summer so we could have the house rebuilt.  The water had gotten into the walls of the house and they were falling apart.  We don’t know if there was a tornado involved with the hurricane or not, but something was strong enough to uproot an oak tree and throw it into our living room. 

I lived in Texas for another 16 years, but I lived in areas that were not close to the water (The Texas Panhandle).  I never witnessed another major storm like that while living there. 

Now I live in Iowa – I live in an area known as Tornado Alley.  For some reason in the last 14 years, I have developed an absolute terror of thunderstorms and tornadoes.  When storms are approaching and it looks like it could be a strong one, my entire body goes into panic mode.  My face gets hot and turns red, my heart races like it’s going to come out of my chest, I sweat profusely, and I can literally become physically sick.  I think about the time I could have died in Texas, and I start packing and getting prepared to head to the basement to be safe. 

This is going to sound silly and irrational, but I start packing up pictures and school documents, my laptop and anything I would miss if we were to lose the house.  I get my children prepared to head downstairs, and I hunt down the animals to take them to the basement as well.  There might be a tornado in the state of Iowa, and it might not be anywhere close to us, but the news stations get me worked up by their constant warnings and updates. 

I try to stay calm for my children, but physically I am a mess.  You can literally see the panic and stress on my face and everywhere on my body.  It’s not until there is absolutely no danger at all that I can finally calm down.  This causes me to not sleep, either.  There could be lightening in the distance and the sound of rumbling thunder which could be peaceful to other people, but I will not be able to sleep until the skies are calm again. 

My friends make fun of how irrational I am, and tell me there is nothing to worry about…to calm down.  I know that is probably true, but I cannot seem to get that registered into my brain.  I don’t like feeling the way that I do.  I want to be able to stay calm for my children and not panic and haul everything down to the basement (I have to haul everything back upstairs after the threat is over, and that’s just as strenuous sometimes). 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is not something to make fun of or take lightly.  I cannot imagine what others go through when they have to relive a personal situation or traumatic experience.  However, I can relate to the feelings associated with it, and it is absolutely debilitating.  You may know deep in your soul that your reactions could be over-exaggerated, but your body just doesn’t let you be rational.  We truly do feel the “fight or flight” response. 

When you run across someone who suffers from PTSD, please do not make fun of them.  Please be patient and understanding, and offer them the help that they deserve.  I haven’t received help for my issues, but mine are more isolated.  My PTSD is triggered by storms, which don’t happen all of the time (just during tornado season, which is during the spring and summer with the highest activity spanning in April through July).  Other people have triggers which can happen frequently, where there’s a loss of complete control.  There is hope and there is help.  Please do not hesitate to ask for help

Crisis numbers for PTSD can be found here

Thank you.

~Amy~

This is my personal commentary on being a victim. These are my thoughts, with some evidence from research. I am a person who tries to see both sides of an issue. I stand up for victims of bullies, and I help raise awareness about mental health disorders, but I also have a different viewpoint on being a victim and how to get out of that mentality. I can say these things because I have been a victim and I have experienced all of the feelings and trauma that is associated with it. However, I have chosen not to be a victim anymore, and I have chosen to live my life in a healthy and productive way. It all comes down to the choices we make.

The one thing I want to make clear throughout this post, is that I do understand what people feel and I can completely empathize. Please do not think I am a callous cold hearted woman with the things I am about to say. I am the complete opposite. I just think there comes a time when we stop thinking that the world is against us, and we choose to stand up for ourselves.

We know what being a victim is. It’s about feeling hopeless and helpless in situations that have occurred in our lives. Whether it be because we have faced a trauma in our lives, or because someone has hurt us (emotional abuse, physical abuse, bullying, etc), we tend to feel depressed and we whine about how life in general sucks.

We see and hear about people committing suicide, because they are so depressed that they see no other way out of a situation. This breaks my heart. It DOES get better, but only YOU can make it better. We need to stop putting the blame on other people, on how we feel. Eleanor Roosevelt was right, when she said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

It’s a given in our society that some people are just plain mean. It’s been researched as to why people are mean, and really there is nothing WE can do to MAKE someone stop being mean to us. We can talk until we are blue in the face, but it’s the choices THEY are making about how THEY act, and all WE can do, is control how WE handle it.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t feel the way that we do sometimes, because in reality, life can just be hard. What I am saying, is that after a while, it’s time to say, “You know what? I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be happy, and I’m going to BE happy.”

I realize it all comes down to a person’s self esteem, and their determination and drive. A person has to like themselves first, in order for others to like them. I also realize that this can be a difficult path to take. I am 44 years old, and I have had many negative experiences and trauma in my life. I have depression and anxiety and there were two times in my early life, that I tried to commit suicide. I was brought up in a controlling home, I was physically and mentally abused by past boyfriends, and I was raped in college. All of these things, plus being adopted (at the age of 5), living in foster care for the early years of my life and not knowing my biological family has caused me to have depression for most of my life.

I’m not saying these things to make you feel sorry for me. I’m saying these things so you will know that I DO understand what you are facing, or what you have faced in the past. However, I do not consider myself a victim anymore. I consider myself to be a survivor. It has taken me until NOW to realize that it’s up to me to be happy. No one else can make me happy. I can finally let go of my past, and look forward to my future.

How does one decide to do this? Through therapy, talking things out, journaling, sharing your stories with others, making positive decisions, knowing what coping skills to use, and being an active participant in your own life. Help others with their situations (which is what I am doing with this community, because in all honesty, it is completely therapeutic for me). Ignore the bullies who make fun of you and throw them away as people you do not need in your life. Stop giving them ammunition to bully you more, because the more you react, the more they will do it. (This is all about mental abuse, and not physical abuse…reacting to that is completely different, and I am well aware of that).

I have seen the acronym on face book “FML” too many times to count. It frustrates me, because I do not believe someone’s ENTIRE life should be summed up that way. Unless you are a tornado victim (as we have seen the horrific pictures on the news), you live in a third world country, or you have no home (no shelter, no family, no income, no friends), then you really shouldn’t be posting about how incredibly horrible your life is. It could be worse.

** (I’m NOT talking about the ones who are currently being bullied and are for asking for help, or have suicidal thoughts.  I totally want to help them, because they are actively asking and are wanting to do something different. I’m talking about the other people, who just sit around and complain) **

DO SOMETHING, rather than to sit there and complain about it. You CAN make changes, and you CAN feel better about your life and your circumstances. I am proof of that.

With everything I have been through, I am a happily married woman with two beautiful children. I have an education (which I am pursuing further) and I have friends and family who love me. What could be better than that? What do I really have to complain about?

Think about it. There ARE ways to change your life. Take an active part in your own life.

Be happy. You can do it. I have faith in you.


Thank you.


~Amy~

I believe that as parents and caregivers, we need to be more pro-active and communicate more effectively with our children. We need to have the heavy discussions with them, no matter if it makes us feel uncomfortable. Not only do we need to discuss the issues of bullying and suicide, but there are many other topics that we need to take responsibility in teaching our children. Topics such as puberty, body development, hormone changes, stress in school, peer pressure, drugs, sex, abstinence, birth control, sexually transmitted diseases, relationships, death and grief, etc.

I say this, because too many times children learn about these things the wrong way. They learn by experimenting, or by someone in school. They don't always get the correct information. When your child asks an important question on these topics, don't just blow them off. Don't assume that they should know these things, or that someone else will tell them and will provide the correct information. WE are their parent. WE need to communicate with them.

We do not always need to be friends with our children. We need to be parents first. Children need to be taught discipline (I'm not talking about consequences in discipline. I mean behaving in an appropriate way and doing what is right), structure and guidance. We should guide them to be the people we would like for them to be. Sure, they will make mistakes and make the wrong choices in life sometimes, but that is also a learning experience. We are here to guide them and make sure that if they fall, we are there to pick them up. If my child tells me that he/she hates me, then I am doing my job. Hearing those things may hurt me, but quite frankly, it means that I'm doing the parent thing the way I'm supposed to, rather than letting my child do whatever he/she wants. Being friends with our children should come later, when they are old enough and mature enough to handle the difference.

When my daughter was 10 years old I had the puberty discussion with her, which included how her body was changing, hormones and the changing of her feelings. It wasn't something I really wanted to do, because in my eyes, she was still just a little girl. However, her body was telling us both something different, and I figured it was time for me to have that discussion with her, so that she was prepared when things start changing more drastically. She is now 12 and puberty has really hit her hard, but she was ready for it with the discussions we had when she was younger. She asks me questions and we talk as openly as she needs to. She is now interested in boys, so we've had deeper discussions about those topics. The door to communication is always open between us, and I hope this continues as she hits her teenage years.

My son was 6 when he asked me how babies come out. He thought it was weird that babies are in a mother's tummy and wanted to know how they came out specifically. I actually explained to him both about vaginal births, and C-sections. He thought it was gross, but he was also interested enough to stay and listen to me. He asked a lot of questions, and I answered the best that I could, in a language and tone he could understand. I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to shrug off his questions and tell him he would know those things when he got older. My son has OCD (Obessive/Compulsive Disorder) and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) so telling him that would only make his curiosity stronger. I would much rather that I be the one to tell him those things, than for him to ask someone who would not give him the right information. He is now 8 years old and the questions seem to get a little bit harder to answer, but we do so because it's the right thing to do...in the language that he will understand.

But I digress....

What all of this boils down to, is the fact that we must communicate with our children and have those important discussions, because when the time comes when something more serious develops (such as bullying), they will know that that they can come to us. The suicide rate has increased because some of those individuals did not talk to anyone about their issues and their feelings. They just took their lives without any communication whatsoever. I want my children to be able to talk to me about anything, and in order for them to be able to do that, I need to make them feel that I will listen and hear everything they have to say without bias, and I will help to guide them in the right direction. This doesn't necessarily mean that I will like what they have to say, but I do need to listen.

We are our children's parent, teacher, and mentor. We need to grasp the teachable moments and be positive role models. It starts with us.

~Amy~

Many of my Texan friends have asked me how I got to Iowa and why I moved away so far. It's an interesting story...one full of risk, adventure, and love.

And in most stories, there have been lessons learned.

I was married in March of 1997 in Waco, Texas and we moved to Arlington, Texas for his job. We were divorced 10 months later, after being together a total of 3 years. As I literally watched this man drive away from me and the house we bought together and begin a new life without me, I stood there wondering what the hell had just happened. I felt like a failure as a woman and as a wife, and I fell apart.

I was teaching special education in the Grand Prairie school district, and I just stopped going to work. I didn't call in, and I didn't show up. I couldn't get out of bed and I wanted to be left alone. I was going through a major depression that I have had for most of my life, but it was just never diagnosed. As a teenager when I would get into so much trouble, my parents just thought I was defiant and a trouble maker. Now we all realize that I had some mental health issues which probably could explain past behaviors and attitudes much more clearly.

I literally secluded myself. I was afraid to leave the house, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. My parents wanted me to move back home with them, but that was out of the question for me. Moving back home meant admitting something was wrong, and I didn't want to do that. I stopped talking with my friends, and I stopped hanging out with the neighbors. When we sold our house, I moved the furthest away that I could from where he and I lived together as man and wife. Everything reminded me of him, and it was just too painful.

I ended up resigning from my teaching position, before they fired me, and they gave me some names of counselors I could talk to. So, my life for almost a year, was filled with going to counseling and secluding myself in my apartment. I think that's when I turned 30, which was the most depressing birthday of my life.

The one thing that kept me from going insane, was the internet. This was a time when the internet was getting really popular, and chatting online seemed to be the perfect thing for me. I could go into a chat room and be anyone I wanted to be...I could say anything and feel my emotions without being judged or looked upon as a failure. I didn't have to be a divorced woman with depression...this was my escape. It was like reading a good book and being captivated in the story-line, except that I was the author and I had control of the outcomes. I was fascinated and it consumed my entire day and night.

I met a man who lived in Iowa Falls, and with whom I began to trust with my personal life. He was sweet and caring and seemed to get me. We talked online and we talked on the phone for hours. He was married and had two kids, and his family knew about me. He knew how miserable I was, and he knew I wanted a change. He offered to come and get me and move me back to Iowa to live with him and his family until I could get back up on my feet. I didn't have to think twice about this. I was ready for a change, and I knew I needed to get back in control of my life.

My parents had a field day with this. If you know my parents at all, then you'd know that they were very old school and had very traditional values for their children (I say "were" because my father passed away two years ago, and my mother has changed into an amazing woman who still lives in Houston). All my mother kept asking was how did I know this man was not a serial killer and didn't I know how dangerous it would be to meet someone all alone for the first time? For some reason, I believed in this man, and my only response was how did HE know that ~I~ wasn't the serial killer. As much as they argued with me, I never caved in because of my extreme stubbornness.

So my mother decided to take what little control she had, and wanted to know my make/model/year of my car, the same for his car, his entire family's name, their address, and what roads we would be taking. I was to call her every time we stopped for anything and let her know how I was doing. She also told me that once he showed up at my doorstep, if I was scared or uncomfortable, I was to give him some money and send him on his way. Also...we would have a code to make sure that everything was ok. I had a cat named Casper, and my mother decided that when she would call me, she would ask how Casper was doing. If I was scared or something awful had happened, I would tell her that Casper was sick, and she would drop everything to come and get me. If I was fine, then Casper was fine. I thought it was weird, but she insisted. He showed up...and I about choked. He looked scary...He had a very long beard which covered most of his face, and he had no teeth. I didn't want to give in, so when he began speaking, I closed my eyes, and I could hear the same tone and same tenderness I had for so long on the phone. I knew everything would be ok. He showed up with a U-haul and a smile, and we were on our way.

16 hours later, we arrived in Iowa Falls, which also sort of scared me. This is a very small town, and it looked dirty to me. I had come from big cities in Texas, and never wanted for anything. Suddenly, I was in a dreamworld and I started to question this decision of mine. The family was nice..the wife a bit more obnoxious than I was used to, and they moved my bed and a few of my clothes into a huge back room which they used as a computer/living room. The rest of my furniture and things were put in storage. They were loud, and I had no privacy. I needed a job, and I needed it fast.

I found a job working at a gas station, which wasn't the greatest thing in the world, but it got me out of the house. I began to relax a bit however, because these people weren't the "backwards po-dunk country people" as I had put it, but they were NICE people who would give you the shirt off of their back without question. I got a second job working on the mental health floor at the local hospital and began to earn enough money that I rented the apartment below the house I was living in. It was much better...I had privacy, and I had space, yet I was still near the family who were being so kind to me. I learned to love the entire family...and I trusted them with my life.

I lived this way for a year. I was happy again, but I was lonely. Friends of mine decided to set me up with a guy who was living with them, and who also had a bad past with women.  We met, and the attraction was instant. Two people who were not looking for love, found it through being set up by mutual friends on a blind date.  How often does THAT happen?

Danny and I moved in together after we found out I was pregnant with our first child...only three months into dating each other. We found our own place, and we have been inseparable ever since. Danny was not the typical guy I would have gone out with in Texas. He had long hair, and didn't graduate from high school...but there was something about him that really made me want to get to know him better. I won't get into the entire story of how we connected, but it turns out that he is the most gentle and caring man I have ever met, and he is my best friend. He is the father of our children, and is totally amazing. He's smart in so many areas, and he supports me in everything.

I am still in constant contact with the friends who brought me into their home. I have been touched by their generosity and I owe them everything. If it weren't for this family, I truly do not know where I would be today.

Lessons learned...

I have learned to forgive myself of the past. I have learned that money and prestige are not everything, and that true friendships are something to hold onto. I have learned about farming and the country life, and I wouldn't go back to the big city life if I was paid to do it.  I also learned to let go of my ex-husband.  Everything happens for a reason.  He left me, so I could meet the love of my life.  I am grateful for that.

I have taken my own past, and I have used it for the good. I have worked with juvenile delinquents, and I have worked with many people who have mental health issues. I am working on a higher education to become a licensed professional counselor, and I give my expertise and knowledge to those who are willing to listen. Danny and I have also both taken in people into our home who need a stable environment.  We have opened up our home, in the same way that a home was opened up to me nearly 14 years ago. Pay it forward.

So...a huge risk that I took, ended up being the best decision I have ever made in my life and I couldn't be happier. Remember my cat, Casper? I swear, my mother called nearly everyday for a year asking me how Casper was doing, and I would always respond the same way...that he was happy and content and that everything was fine. Casper died four years ago, at the age of 16. He lived a happy and fulfilled life...as I am doing now.

I love and I am loved. After all, isn't that what makes the world go round?

~Amy~

Depression. We all know what it is and how to find the resources for help. I’m not going to provide links and information about something which is very accessible on the internet. The websites talk about prevalence and contributing factors and sometimes what causes depression. What the websites don’t necessarily tell you, is how a person with depression feels.

This is my story. It’s about having clinical depression and how it makes me feel. It’s about being honest with myself about this disease and how I’ve struggled for most of my life. This is an honest and truthful tale and full of emotion. It is a daily struggle, one of which started at a very young age, but wasn’t recognized until much later. The time span that is being discussed, is before I was aware I had depression, through my recovery now.

*** DISCLAIMER: Please be aware that the emotions here are gut wrenchingly honest and truthful from my own perspective. Others who have depression may not experience what I have been through, so I want people reading this to understand that this is my story, and my story only. Also...this was written 3 years ago, and although the emotions and facts are still accurate, I am no longer suffering from depressive episodes.  I am happy, healthy, and my recovery process has been wonderful. ***

I am happily married and I have two beautiful children. I have a Special Education Degree, a Human Services Degree with a minor in Psychology, and I am currently in Graduate School getting my Master’s in mental health counseling (Future LPC).  I am a compassionate woman and I have worked in the human services field for years, helping others to achieve their potential and make better choices for themselves. I have taught anger management, coping skills and decision making skills to adolescents at risk. I have been a social worker in nursing home, and have worked on the psychiatric unit at a local hospital. I am an advocate for mental health awareness, suicide prevention, bullying,  and I work hard to try and erase the stigma some people believe mental health disorders have.

I am a wife, mother, and a friend who happens to have a mental illness. It’s not who I am, but what I have. People tend to forget that an individual who has depression or any other disorder is actually a person underneath the chaos and despair. On my worst days, it feels as if the depression consumes me and takes over my entire body. I am filled with negative thoughts and pessimistic views. I am irritable, impulsive, anxious, and sometimes I am sarcastic even to those I love,. I can even become narcissistic and wonder why people don’t see me as this wonderful person and become aggravated when they want nothing to do with me. I once went as far as telling one of my very best friends to shut up because her voice was bothering me (I feel utterly horrible about that, but luckily she is a wonderful friend who is aware of my depression and is extremely supportive and understanding). Voices, loud noises, and constant talking are subjected to my frustration and although it’s no one’s fault by my own, I go into a zone where the aggravation completely takes over and sometimes I get migraines which don’t help the situation at all.  I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder over a year ago.  Some of the symptoms I just described go along with that.

I can hear myself when I’m angry and depressed, and I can hear the words, tone, and pitch of what I’m saying and on a subconscious level, I cringe at what I’m doing. I know that I’m wrong and I know that I’m being hurtful, but at the same time, I cannot stop. It’s like having an out of body experience where you are floating above and watching every movement and hearing every word, but are powerless to stop. It’s the worst feeling in the world, when you know that you are being unreasonable and could be hurting someone’s feelings. That is why I have learned to keep my mouth shut until I can calm down and have an adult conversation with someone. However, even that can get me into trouble because I am seen as being disrespectful and defiant and as someone who doesn’t seem to have the patience to deal with a situation tactfully.

I believe that my having depression is partly responsible for the failure of my first marriage. My emotions were everywhere, and I was not easy to live with. Once he left me, I finally realized that something was terribly wrong and I needed to do something about it. I could no longer deny that I had a problem, especially since it was affecting my relationships and my work ethic. I began therapy and was put on antidepressants. Within a few weeks, I could tell a world of difference in my attitude, and was ready for a change. I felt as if staying where I was (in Texas) after a divorce was just not conducive to my recovery, so I decided to move out of the comfort zone and started completely over in Iowa (That story is another post you can find on this blog).

Once I realized that I needed help, I struggled with having to rely on antidepressants to make me feel better. I didn’t want to rely on them and I didn’t want people to view me differently for not being able to handle my emotions on my own. Once I got past those feelings, my road to recovery could start. (** Currently, I am off of my antidepressant medication, and have been doing extremely well for over a year**)

My recovery is a continual process. There are days when I’m doing very well, and other days when I feel like I’ve taken two step backwards again and it can be very frustrating. It doesn’t last long, though. I’ve learned that if I am having a bad day, then I need to use a coping skill, such as blogging or guided imagery, or taking deep breaths. I’ve learned to communicate with my family, who are absolutely amazing in their unconditional love and I am very grateful for their ongoing support. I am learning that sometimes I need to step back from trying to help the world, and focus on myself and my own healing. I am trying not to be so impulsive and freak out when things are not going my way.

Right now, I am in the process of writing my life story on another Blog, entitled, “Living with Depression.” It is detailed from when I was a child, through my adolescence, adulthood and to the present day. This is a very therapeutic exercise for me, and although there are some people who may not agree with the specifics which I will be writing about, it is something I need to do for myself. I hope that one day, it might be good enough to turn into a book.

I hope this story (and others I have written on this blog) will help others to understand that those of us who have depression or any other mental illness, are individuals first. It’s not who we are, but what we have.

Thank you.

~Amy~

It is so hard to figure out what to do when we are being bullied, or if our children are being bullied. Here are some suggestions of what to do if this is happening.

One thing that I stress over and over is DOCUMENTATION. This is so important to remember. A lot of times, we tend to forget the little things, or we get all frustrated when trying to explain a situation to someone, that we get the details wrong. So, it’s important to document what is happening. Get a journal, and write down EVERYTHING, even if it seems to be a tiny detail. Put it in there. Document who, what, where, time, place, what was said and done, who it was reported to, how it was handled or not handled, and what you plan on doing next. If you have to go so far as to make your voice heard with the school board or the police, then you will have the documentation handy. Also…cell phones are a great thing to have around. You can video tape what is being done and said, and you have pictures to back you up. Gathering the facts is essential.

Here is the chain command that you should report to - if one doesn't respond, then move on to the next one, but do not give up.

1. Report to the teacher or bus driver
2. Report to the principal - let him/her know what is going on immediately
3. Report to the Superintendent - if principal doesn’t do anything
4. Report to the school board - if no one is doing anything
5. Take to the police 6. Take to the media (Radio, newspapers, TV reporters) - schools do NOT like to look negative in the public.

If bullying is occurring, students should try to stay in a group or walk with someone else whenever there is little to no supervision (Bathrooms, hallways, playgrounds and lunchrooms).

If bullying is occurring, then please do something - step up and intervene (in a non-threatening way), or go find a trusted adult. There is a difference between TATTLING and TELLING. Tattling involves wanting to get someone into trouble purposely. Telling involves telling someone that something is not right - that you are being hurt or abused. TELLING could save a life.

Do NOT ignore the bullying!! We want students and parents to become proactive, rather than reactive. This means to step up and take action before the bullying leads to something more serious. We (as a society) tend to react when we hear stories of students being bullied to death....when kids take their own lives because they can no longer handle the torture of going to school everyday. Being proactive will help avoid those situations because we will put a stop to it before it goes further.

TIPS FOR PARENTS

Gather the parents together who believe that this needs to stop and together, go to the school and school board. Make your voices heard! There is power in numbers.

Know your district's anti-bullying policy and refer to it when speaking to school officials. Know your state's laws as well. Be KNOWLEDGEABLE.

Become a permanent fixture in the schools. Be a room monitor or helper, have lunch with your child, observe in the classroom or hallways. The more adults that stand around with a watchful eye, the better that the bullying will stop. Ride the bus with your child if you have the time to do so.

** This is a hard one ** - Please do NOT confront the individual who is bullying your child, or the parent of the child who is being the bully. I know most people will disagree with this, but with the research I have found, and in my own bullying advocacy, I have learned that this is not appropriate because it adds to the problem. GOOD parents want to protect their children, so when your child comes home with bumps and bruises, your first reaction is to want to kick someone's butt. That's understandable. However, you might run into that parent who thinks that their kid can do no wrong, or the parent who is a bully themselves, and you end up with a massive power struggle. Now your kid, and the bully will see an argument develop between you (the parents) and they will see that it's ok to fight because well, let's face...you're doing it. Make sense?

Be the role model. Teach your child that it's not ok to fight. It's not ok to bully, harass, threaten, abuse, manipulate, scare, or anything negative toward another human being.

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY

Most people will say that schools need a zero tolerance policy. It looks great and sounds great on paper, but this is what it really means:

Joe is getting bullied by Bob. Joe doesn't tell anyone for awhile, and tries to take care of it on his own. Bob continues to bully Joe, and Joe finally decides to tell someone. He tells the bus driver or his teacher, who NEVER documents the bullying taking place (so there is no record of it). Joe has enough, and one day when Bob is hitting him and punching him in the face, Joe decides to fight back and punches Bob in the face. As this happens, the principal or another teacher comes down the hallway, and sees Joe knock Bob down to the floor. Now both boys are fighting. Both boys are taken to the principal's office, and because there is a zero tolerance for bullying, BOTH boys are suspended.

Is that fair? Joe should never be punished for standing up for himself and fighting back, but because no one actually took him seriously and documented his complaint, he is now in trouble as well. It's not a good policy.

Other things that could be helpful…

Develop a task force in school - a group of kids and parents who want to make a difference. Make posters about bullying and sources of information to get help.

Involve the community - create a partnership with the school and community (churches, youth groups, businesses, etc).

Be aware of who your children are hanging out with, and what they are doing. Be proactive and always know what, who, when, where and why they are doing something.

Communicate with your children positively - get them counseling if needed, so they can manage their feelings. Mental health issues and bullying go hand in hand.

DON’T EVER GIVE UP

Websites to help with bullying situations:

http://www.bulliesout.com/ 
http://www.beatbullying.org/
http://www.stompoutbullying.org/
http://www.stopbullying.gov/
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/

I was inspired to write this, because an old high school friend of mine is having issues on Facebook with people she was friends with in high school.

In high school, she was popular. She was in the crowd that everyone wanted to be in, and if you weren't in that crowd, then you were pretty much a nobody. At least that's how I felt. She and I were neighbors, and outside of school, we hung out, but NEVER during school because I was not the person that the clique wanted to associate with. This was an unspoken rule between us, and neither of us fought it. We just let it slide by and after school and in the summer, we were the best of friends.

We have befriended one another here, and we have learned a lot about each other. I learned that being the popular kid wasn't as easy as it seemed. In order to be in that specific group, you had to adhere to their rules. There were certain days you could wear jeans, make-up had to be worn, the girls would call each other and make sure they were color coordinated, if you spoke to someone out of the group, you would be outcast, and you had to behave in such a way as to not embarrass the clique as a whole. I had no idea that this was going on within the group. From an observer, all you saw were these happy care-free girls and boys who were ALL good looking, into sports and everyone wanted to be like them.

She and I are friends here on Facebook, and we have gotten reacquainted. We have spoken about those rules, and the fact that she and I didn't have a relationship within the school building. She has apologized profusely, and things between us are just fine. Bygones are bygones...why hold onto something that was over 20 years ago, and was so petty?

However, she is having issues with those same people, here on Facebook. They are talking about her behind her back, and she is having issues with it. I believe (and I told her this on her public wall) that the reason this is happening, is because she is her own person now, and is not attached to any sort of order or rule. She is acting differently than she acted in high school because she is acting as HERSELF with no restrictions. They don't seem to get it...and are criticizing her for being "weird" or "goofy." - what the heck is that all about???

I swear. People can be so damned stupid. ignorant, petty and just plain selfish. High school wasn't that great, if you ask me. There is life BEYOND the walls of a school building, you know. This friend of mine is beautiful, married and has a son. She has a great life, but because she is not acting like they remembered her to act in high school, they are making fun of her? Seriously?

** Listen up. To any of you who are still in high school, remember this. Life is about the friendships you make, and the stamp you put on this world. It's not about how many friends you can make, and how popular you become. Life isn't about popularity at all. I would rather have just a few amazing friends (ones whom I could really rely on, trust and have fun with), then a million acquaintances that wouldn't give a damn if I got hit by a bus. **

There's a famous quote from the movie, "Never Been Kissed" - (One of my favorite movies) which I think pretty much sums it all up.

"Let me tell you something, I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old. I'm an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and I've been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you about this girl she is unbelievable. I was new here and she befriended me no questions asked. But you, you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. All of you people, there is a big world out there... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it won't matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."

FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, AND TRY NOT TO BE AFRAID OF IT.

So...my point is that I could care less if my true friends were; poor, rich, ugly, beautiful, skinny, fat, black, white, mixed, gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, weird, silly, or anything from a whole plethora of adjectives. I would only care if they were my friend, I trusted them, they trusted me, and we had a bond.

Why does any of that other stuff matter???? It doesn't. Figure that out, and you will be a lot happier within yourself. Trust me.

Thanks for listening to the rant....

~Amy Hewitt Bonin~

I figured it was time to tell you of my own story. A lot of people will look and wonder why I created a community page on Facebook = "Standing Up For Victims of Bullies (Child or Adult)." and why I am such an advocate for people with mental health issues. The answer is simple. I want to show others that there IS hope, and although they may be facing horrible circumstances, there are ways to help yourselves and be healthy.

I was adopted at the age of five, but my biological mother gave me up as an infant, so I moved from foster care to foster care for five years. As we all know, children are supposed to be loved and cared for, and they are supposed to feel safe. I didn't get those things, so I had severe trust issues and abandonment issues at a very young age. My adoptive parents are good people, but they were also a bit dysfunctional. My father was verbally abusive, and I would be in tears every day. He was controlling, and if I tried to stand up for myself, I would be told that I was talking back and he would ignore me for days. My mother (in my eyes, but she sees it differently) didn't say a word, and would allow for it to happen...telling me that I should just let things go, and move on from my anger. I grew up without a voice, and that carried with me for several years. Actually, I am just now learning how to use my voice, and to be heard.

I may not have been physically bullied in school, but I was socially isolated, neglected, made fun of, and very insecure. I am 44 years old, so we are talking 20 plus years ago, in the 1980's. I went to a high school in Houston, Texas where there are now 3316 students enrolled. In a school that big, you either were well known, or you were lost in the shuffle. I was one who was lost in the shuffle

Like I said earlier, I come from a good family, but my parents did not believe in buying brand name clothing, or anything that was expensive. They taught me and my sister the value of money, and how to work for something. Because of that, I did not wear what all of the other girls were wearing. I didn't wear make-up until I was 16, because I was not allowed to. I was not popular. I had no niche, and I was miserable.

Instead of playing a sport, or being in the band or choir, I played the cello. Being in the orchestra was nerdy...and I was made fun of all of the time. I remember one time, my orchestra class was to put on a performance in the school auditorium. I was so embarrassed and scared of being teased, that I hid in the bathroom the entire time and missed the performance. I was in trouble with my parents and the orchestra teacher for this, but I accepted the consequences of that, much better than if I had been seen with "that group of people."

I was told that I looked like a "slut" by the way I carried my books across my chest, rather than holding them by my side. How the heck could I be a slut, if I had never even kissed by a boy at this time? I was told that I needed to stop saying hello to the "popular" kids because I was trying too hard and they thought I was weird. I would be acknowledge outside of school, but never in school.

I was failing my classes...I was miserable at school and I was miserable at home. I began to act out at home. If my parents knew then what most parents know now (of putting a child in a juvenile home or mental health unit), they probably should have. The depression I had always had but kept at bay, came out full circle. I engaged in things that were not healthy for me. I tried hurting myself on several occasions. ANY attention (even negative attention) was far better than no attention. I changed schools. I went to a private school, and things got much better. They encouraged diversity and welcomed newcomers. I flourished. I made new friends, I was able to play my cello without being made fun of, and my grades improved. Changing schools was the best decision my parents ever did for me. I am grateful for them for knowing that something needed to be done.

Throughout my young adult life, however, I still had issues. I sought out men who were not good for me (I had boyfriends who were physically and mentally abusive), I was raped in college, and I simply did not like myself. My depression and self harm grew more and more each day. Each rejection (from a boyfriend, or friend) hurt deeply. I was married and divorced all in the span of 10 months, due to my depression at the age of 30. I didn't know what was going on with me, and I felt like a complete failure as a woman. I finally sought help for my depression and anxiety, and things began to turn around for me.

I moved to Iowa (where I live now) and married the man of my dreams. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my soul mate. We have two beautiful children (our son is 8 and our daughter is 12), and I am fulfilled. However...sometimes suffer from depression and anxiety, and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year. In doing some research on that, it is completely understandable why I developed such a disorder. I have attended therapy for that and I'm doing very well. I have a huge support system at home. I do have bad days, when I am just angry and full of pain, but I try hard to work through those things. I have a strained relationship with my mother (My father passed away in 2006, and I was able to talk to him before he died, and we had a good long talk. I have forgiven him, but I still have painful memories), but I am learning that I will probably never get from her what I need. In her eyes, there's nothing she could have done to "save me" from my father. However, she is doing the same thing with my relationship with me and my sister, whom I no longer speak to for various reasons. She will not stand up for me, because she doesn't want to make waves with my sister. Yet, she can make waves with me, and triggers me to the point of frustration. I need to learn to let go...something I think will be a constant struggle.

These are the reasons I created the anti-bullying community, and why I am such an advocate for victims and for spreading awareness about mental health issues. I think it's important, and I think we need to ban together to stop people from being hurt and abused.

Where I am now....I have a special education degree, a Human Services degree with a minor in Psychology, and I am currently in Graduate School to get my Master's in Mental Health Counseling. I have 5 core classes left to go, and then I will start my internship. I have done various jobs in the community that involve helping young people realize their potential. I have realized that bullies are just small people who have their own issues, and rather than recognizing them, they prey on other people, to make themselves feel better. I have taught anger management, social skills, conflict resolution, among a variety of other things. I DO understand what you might be going through. It is NOT hopeless, however. I am a happy adult, who has a lot of past baggage, but quite frankly, that baggage plus what I have learned, is who I am today. I wouldn't change that for the world. I love and I am loved. It is the best feeling in the world.

I write .... I write a lot. It is a major coping skill for me. I have an online blog about growing up and my depression (it is much more detailed) and I hope to one day publish it into a book.

You are not alone. You can do this, and you will be ok. Just reach out and ask for help. That's all it takes.

Thank you for reading this.

~Amy Hewitt Bonin~
(Creator of Standing up for Victims of Bullies - @Stand_up_2011))

HIV/AIDS Information and Resources:

U.S. National AIDS Hotlines and Resources

http://www.thebody.com/index/hotlines/national.html

American Sexual Health Association

http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/

800-227-8922

CDC - Center for Disease Control and Prevention - AIDS Information

http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL:

Alcohol Hotline

http://www.alcoholhotline.com/

1-866-925-4030

Al-Anon for families of alcoholics

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

1-757-563-1600
1-613-723-8484 (Canada)

Alcohol and Drug Helpline

http://www.adhl.org/

1-206-722-3700

National Alcoholism and Substance Abuse

http://www.addictioncareoptions.com/
1-800-784-6776

Cocaine Anonymous

http://www.ca.org/

310-559-2554

Families Anonymous

http://familiesanonymous.org/

1-800-736-9805 (US only)
1-847-294-5877

Meth Project

http://www.methproject.org/
1-212-922-1560

CHILD ABUSE:

National U.S. Child Abuse Hotline

http://www.childhelp.org/

800-422-4453

Covenant House (Homelessness for Youth and Runaways)

http://www.covenanthouse.org/

1-800-RUNAWAY

www.1800RUNAWAY.org

CRISES AND SUICIDE PREVENTION:

National Suicide Hotline and Prevention

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

Canada Suicide and Crisis Hotlines
http://www.suicidehotlines.com/canada.html

LGBTQ Youth Crisis Line (The Trevor Project) 

www.TheTrevorProject.org

866-4-u-TREVOR (866-488-7386)

Girl's and Boy's Town National Hotline

http://www.boystown.org/hotline
1-800-448-3000

National Hope line Network

www.hopeline.com

800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

National Youth Crisis Hotline

http://www.cocommunity.net/agency/national-youth-crisis-hotline.html

800-442-HOPE (4673)

AAA Crisis Pregnancy Center

http://www.aaaprc.org/site/

CRISES HELPLINE FOR ANY CRISES

800-233-4357

Free Online Support for Depression and/or Bipolar

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dbsahumb

Also see: www.DBSAlliance.org

SAFE Alternatives (Self Abuse Finally Ends)

www.selfinjury.com

1-800-DONTCUT or (1-800-366-8288)

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

National Domestic Violence Hotline, Child / Sexual Abuse

www.ndvh.org

800-799-7233 OR 800-799-SAFE

TDD# - 800-787-3224

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)

www.rainn.org

800-656-HOPE

Abuse Victim Hotline

http://www.avhotline.org/

Domestic Teen Violence - Love is Respect

http://www.loveisrespect.org/

Parental Stress Hotline—Help for parents

http://www.talklineforparents.org/

415-441-5437

POISON CONTROL CENTER

http://www.aapcc.org/

800-222-1222

SHOPLIFTING
National Association for Shoplifting Prevention

http://www.shopliftingprevention.org/saredirect2/

EATING DISORDERS

Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention. 

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

800-931-2237

TEEN AND ADOLESCENT RESOURCES

Teenline Online

www.teenlineonline.com

Teen Help and Adolescent Resources

800-840-5704

National Runaway Switchboard—(All calls are confidential)

http://www.1800runaway.org/

1-800-786-2929

National Hotline for Missing and Exploited Children

http://www.missingkids.com/home

800-843-5678

Child Find of America

http://www.childfindofamerica.org/

National Youth Crisis Hotline

800-448-4663

LGBT RESOURCES

Matthew Shepard Foundation

http://www.matthewshepard.org/

Mattthew’s Place

www.matthewsPlace.com

PFLAG (Parents/Friends/Allies of Gays)-Local chapters available

www.pflag.org

Gender Identity Questions

www.Annelawrence.com

Family Support for Transgender

www.TransFamily.org

GLBTQ Youth Peer Listening Line 5-11pm est

800-399-7447

Gay and Lesbian National Hotline (Gay, Lesbian, Bixsexual, & Transgender Community)

http://www.glnh.org/index2.html

GLBT Hotline = 1-888-843-4564
GLBT National Youth Hotline = 1-800-246-7743

GLBTQ Youth Crisis Line (The Trevor Project) 

www.TheTrevorProject.org

866-4-u TREVOR (866-488-7386)

Trevor Project is the only nationwide around the clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lgbtq youth. Calls are confidential and toll free

National Coalition on LGBT health

http://lgbthealth.webolutionary.com/

GENERAL MENTAL HEALTH WEBSITES:

Anxiety Disorders Association of America

http://www.adaa.org/

Active Minds (Campus Educational support)

http://www.activeminds.org/

Autism Resource Guide

www.autismspeaks.org

Borderline Personality Disorder

www.BoarderlinePersonalityDisorder.com